Saturday, April 26, 2014

Self Compassion

At the end of 2013, when I was experiencing so much pain, I knew the antidote was self Love.  I have practiced various methods of emotional clearing and I knew I had just gone deeper. I had discovered a deep seated anger and resentment toward my little two year old self and needed to forgive her.  

It's easy to say, "Love and forgive yourself", but how does that feel?   I couldn't feel anything.  Again, the question, "How do I love myself?"  The next day I received in the mail a book by Marshall B. Rosenberg called Nonviolent Communication.  He has a whole chapter called "Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves". How timely is that?

The main message in this chapter is connecting and answering your needs in the moment.  "We are compassionate with ourselves when we are able to embrace all parts of ourselves and recognize the NEEDS and values expressed by each part."  "Self-forgiveness: connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action that we now regret." I could now forgive my little two year old with the understanding that she was answering my needs in that moment.  She needed the hug of approval so she could breathe again and feel loved.  (Check out my other blog, Pearls to Receiving Bliss "The Spanking", for the whole story.) 

One thing I know for sure.  You can only have love, forgiveness, and compassion for others to the degree that you have established it for yourself.  I had formed such a terrible habit of self abuse and wasn't aware of the root cause.  It kept showing up like a hard wired instinctual reaction.  I couldn't seem to get a grip on it.  This chapter on self compassion was so effective because it was about measurable actions I could take and practice, to assist me in breaking my habit.  

One of the things from his book that really gave me a clear picture for the antidote, "Shame is a form of self-hatred, and actions taken in reaction to shame are not free and joyful acts." ~ It seems the word should is a violent word with massive power to create shame and guilt.

The picture forming in my mind is the "should" and "have to" words are like handcuffs on a slave, whether they come from inside us or outside.  As human beings on a planet of Free will, we are not meant to be slaves to any form of authority.  So when we give in to the demands of "should", "ought to", or "have to", we dehumanize ourselves.  We keep ourselves in a mental prison.  The irony, of course, is that we have the key.  It's called Self Love.

Innocence is defined as a state of childlikeness; being free from expectations, attachments, beliefs, guile, and judgement.   Innocence is where we find our essence.  I confess, as a parent, I stole my children's innocence by "shoulding" all over them.  I taught them well how to do it to themselves, just like my parents unwittingly taught me.  I now have the opportunity to reteach myself and model self compassion for them.  

I now know that any action I take gets to come from the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation.  I realize, as I do this, I let go of the codependent tendencies in our relationships.  The attachments and expectations of the "shoulds".

Saturday, April 12, 2014

The Seven Mirrors of Sacred Relationship

True sacred relationship begins with yourself because all relationships are reflections of you. Yes, it may be true that your partner does things that annoy you.   Even though they may be behaving in a particular way, you are the one who feels triggered. Therefore it is always yourself that you are in a relationship with first and foremost.
You are always being reminded of yourself in one way or another in any relationship but especially in the really close ones. This also means that you get to see the most beautiful parts of who you are as well as the ones that could be even happier.
There are seven essential mirrors for building sacred relationships based on the teachings of the Essenes, and shared here by James Gilliand. Since we live in a world that is based on attraction everything we do think or say will either attract what we want or repel it. This is based on the energy that we are radiating out into the universe all of the time. So we know that taking full personal responsibility for everything we have ever done, said, or thought in this life or another is the first fundamental quality of creating a sacred relationship.  Seeing everything as a mirror, which is only reflecting parts of ourselves, is the next fundamental idea.  It is one of the most powerful and effective tools I know.
The Seven Mirrors of Sacred Relationship
  • The First Mirror reflects to us that which we are. It is something we ourselves have been doing or where we ourselves have been in error or wounded.
  • The Second Mirror reflects back to us that which we judge. It is something we have been wounded by and have an emotional charge on. It can be something we have done in the past that we have not forgiven. It is good to discern however that when we condemn another with an emotional charge we are most likely judging ourselves.
  • The Third Mirror reflects back to us something we have Lost, Given Away or had Taken Away. When we see something we love in another it is often something we have lost, given away or that has been stolen, in our own lives. Every relationship is a relationship with self, and often we try to reclaim what we lost, gave away or had taken away as a child. All of which can be reclaimed within self.
  • The Fourth Mirror reflects back to us our most forgotten love. This could be a way of life, or a lost or unfinished relationship. Often it is a past life where a wrong conclusion from a past experience was created. These will recreate themselves over and over and over again until the conclusion is registered in the soul as wisdom.
  • The Fifth Mirror reflects back Father/Mother. It is often said that we marry our father or mother. We also often become them, acting out both healthy and unhealthy patterns we learned as a child. Our father and mother are often like Gods to us and so we will often reflect aspects of our relationship with them onto our partners. We often choose our partners based on our relationship with our parents.
  • The Sixth Mirror reflects back to us the Quest for Darkness or what is often referred to as a dark night of the soul. This is when we meet our greatest challenges, our greatest fears, and have been gathering the tools from life to confront and deal with them. The most important thing to remember is that our soul is giving us these opportunities to grow and evolve and that we are not victims.
  • The Seventh Mirror reflects back to us our self perception. Others will perceive and treat us according to how we treat and perceive ourselves. If we have low self-esteem and do not see ourselves as worthy of love, or do not see our own beauty, others will reflect that back and they will not value us or see our beauty either. If we are bitter and unloving to others, they in kind may be that way with us. It is important here to learn how to be compassionate and loving with yourself and to embrace all that you are without judging yourself. Remember the only reason anyone has power over you is if they have something you want. Maybe that something, whether it be love, joy, or a personal connection to a Higher Power, can all be found within yourself.
These seven mirrors are just guidelines you can choose to use as ways to check in on where you are in your own self growth and awareness. Creating a sacred relationship requires that you first clean up your own messes, heal the wounded parts of yourself that get in the way of what you say you want and reclaim your power back from wherever you gave it away willingly or unwillingly.
When you take the time to work on your relationship with yourself first you will begin to notice the changes that are now being reflected back to you as you go about your life. You will begin to notice the difference in your relationship with your beloved. All relationships are sacred if we choose to hold it them that way but remember the one with yourself is the most important one you have.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Meridian of Time



I see  a pattern in what I refer to as "the process of Life", where we incarnate, as innocent beings of love and light, into physical bodies very similar in design to the animal kingdom.  Conditioned by our environment through belief systems, ego lies, labels, titles and structures, we go about with our protective illusions, navigating life the best we can.

When we reach 40 something, we begin to question the roles we've played out and beliefs we have been operating from, and what we have done with our lives. Some call this the "midlife crisis" based on the current life expectancy of man.  At this point our focus seems to change.  I see midlife crisis as nothing more than a turning point where ego (Edging God Out) begins to wane and Spirit takes precedence.  We begin to tap in to what is really true for us. 

It seems that each decade after 30 offers more empowerment, more introspection,  freeing ourselves from conditioned expectations, and discovering what really matters.  Then liberating our stories that keep us tied to the earth, letting go of attachments more with each decade, learning to be present and surrender to what is.  NOT striving! Playing.  Allowing. 

If we choose to enter this phase in the process with conscious awareness, we notice that we attract people to ourselves that reflect the voice in our head about who we are not.  The voice gets louder at a time when our soul asks us to examine ourselves for what is true.  We become increasingly clear about who we are not, through negative feedback from our environment, as our psyche becomes mature in what we know we want and who we are.  We begin to let go of the lies, roles, and belief systems that helped us navigate through the physical world as human animals.  

Our Spirit has then had a full on experience of being human. Now we begin the process of focusing on the spirit within, consciously developing the human Spirit, who we really are. When we come to this realization, and incorporate our whole mind and heart into this reality, we give it a possibility that because we are one with the creator of all life, we have the ability to merge the physical with spirit.  It is all about focus.

I recently discovered that there is actually a gift in the persona and perception we take on with our stories.  They transform into the very strengths that connect us to our true selves and propel us forward into expansion.  It's as if the first half of our lives is a "set up" for the second half to evolve from. And in the unique way that suits each human being. 

Our whole process is specifically matched with what our unique soul wants to learn, in the specific way we chose to learn it.  That is why letting go of judgements just makes sense.  How can you judge one snowflake from another?  Just because we are all One, doesn't mean we must duplicate each other.

*******

It occurred to me that the whole Bible illustrates beautifully the entire "process of Life", from innocence (Adam & Eve), to ascension (Jesus Christ).  I've always heard that Jesus Christ came in the "meridian of time".  Think about it.  The Old Testament was all about carnal Belief Systems, (a.k.a, b.s.), wars, conquering, idolatry, status, etc.  The New Testament is about spiritual ascension.  Hmmm….. If Jesus said, "Death is the last enemy to overcome."  Why do we think we have to die?  Just asking.

The Essenes were a group of people Jesus was said to have spent considerable time with.  They believed that everything that shows up in your life is a reflection of you, feedback about what you are wanting to learn, to let go of, for guidance, or information about where you are in your process, or what your subconscious is working through.  Based on this, there is no one out there but you.  Whether it be any sentient being, voice or object. I've heard it called "The Seven Mirrors of Sacred Relationship".  I judge it as an amazing system of interconnectedness.

The process of life never ceases to amaze me!! We see it all around us in nature too.  One thing I've noticed is that when we resist the process of life, as it is Divinely designed, we are miserable.  We become out of sorts mentally, emotionally, then physically.  Our body literally, physically wears our history. 


I believe this current "shift" we are experiencing brings a new energy, and with it new possibilities.  Exploring new possibilities may just be the greatest adventure yet!  Stay tuned!