Showing up in BEING the Change

One of the intentions of this Journey is to BE the change I wish to see in the world.  I imagined that this experience with/without food might assist me in getting in touch with what that would look like for me.  It turns out that I have been richly rewarded in this intention.

It is showing up in subtle ways such as avoiding purchases that create unnecessary, non-biodegradable trash, and various other ways of walking more gently on the earth.  At the same time, I am learning ways to boycott, through my purchases and my daily choices, corrupt systems that disregard and unnecessarily destroy life, human and otherwise.  It feels good to be making small changes in my choices rather than complain about things I can't change in the world.

In terms of food, I pay more attention to the way it is packaged and whether it is grown locally or governed by the WTO(World Trade Organization).  For the sake of my body, how much has it been processed?  Where are the laws of nature being honored?  Am I supporting my body's ability to renew, repair, and regenerate itself? ...or am I contributing to its breakdown?


In terms of non-food items, I think about why am I making this purchase?  Is it something needed, or am I acting out a subliminal program of consumerism that contributes to corruption on many levels? Who does it effect in a positive or negative way? Is it in alignment with the laws of nature and God?  What does it serve?

I perceive that we have been lulled or hypnotized into a state of "unrighteous dominion" or irresponsible stewardship of the resources of the planet.  At the same time, we have lost or at least diminished our inherent connection to and respect for Father Spirit and Mother Earth. 

I admire those who are taking action, each in their own capacity, to be more conscious about their soul purpose, and about exercising free will for the highest good of all.  I see this as the best way that I can serve and make a difference in the world at this point.

I don't stress about these things.  They are just things.  This commitment is a tool to assist me in BEING more present in my Journey.

Vapassana Times a Hundred

I noticed a phenomenon similar to what I experience when I do a 10 day Vapassana Course. This time it feels much deeper and more profound than I have ever experienced. That is, that I'm in a different place of peace and tranquility, more serene and sensitive than ever before.  Things that used to trigger me, or make me uncomfortable, simply don't any more. I now experience life with a greater appreciation and purpose.  More of a witness who participates with the intention to serve the highest good of all.

It seems that the severe break-down of my physical body opened a portal similar to what might be experienced in a NDE(Near Death Experience).  It's a place where time and space doesn't exist, only awareness. I find myself practicing being more present with my body, as the instrument of my spirit experiencing the physical. 

I feel much more connected to all life, and feel a deeper, richer respect and love for Mother Earth and ALL Her sentient beings.  My commitment to that connection is based on a practice of being more conscious about all my purchases and how I use the resources Mother Earth provides so abundantly.  Also, it shows up as being much more conscious of honoring my body and my soul purpose while dwelling on this physical plane.

As of a week ago, I have let go of ALL prescribed medications for my heart.  I physically feel better than EVER.  I have more energy than I can remember for a very long time. I do a weekly water fast.  I seldom feel hungry, and I eat what my body loves.  I have let go of judgements of good and bad foods, rather listening to my body's wisdom.

Bottom line, I'm back to my regular activities with a freer flow of energy and little effort.

Continuing the Journey

It's been two months since my last blog.  As of Sept. 30, it felt like I was mostly back, but the medications kept my blood pressure so low, I experienced a sort of heaviness in my energies. I felt determined to  exercise every day, either walking at least a mile a day, jumping on the trampoline, tai chi, or yoga. I'm appreciating the 25-30 pounds I let go of.  That was some heavy baggage. :)

I noticed when I began eating again, planning my meals was my  main activity and focus for a while.  I had  lot of work to do to bring my body back to the well being I had previously enjoyed and more.  I confess, it was more about enjoying the meal, AND staying conscious about what my body was asking for.  I learned from Don Tolman's FDR III  which foods supported the organs and systems that needed healing.  My body has responded very well and I've been able to maintain a good weight while rebuilding muscle and stamina.

I noticed from time to time, I didn't feel complete with the blog, but didn't know what to write about.  Sometimes I felt a twinge of failure and disappointment that I hadn't "achieved" inedia, until I remembered that there are NO failures, only learning and experiencing.  I had a RICH, EXQUISITE abundance of that, and feel grateful.

I came home from the hospital, Aug. 20, on 5 different medications to assist my body to regain normalcy.  A week later, another was added. It was rough, but I made it clear to the doc that I am interested in getting back to an even better state of health than before with NO medications.

I feel grateful that now, Nov. 7, all the medications have been dropped except 1/2 dose of one.  I am running up the stairs, and feeling better than I can ever  remember feeling.  I will be going in for an assessment at the end of December, and fully expect to be in full swing with no medications nor supplements.  Thank you, God.  I feel light and free in so many ways-mentally, emotionally, and physically.

My daily practice now is to BE present with my body, mind and spirit, applying what I learned about conscious eating, listening to intuition, and letting go of anything out of alignment with pure LOVE, as I become aware of it.  There is no TRYING. There is only BE, DO, HAVE, as I continue my journey.

Update

I'm noticing many family and friends seem concerned about my physical condition, and say the blog doesn't really give enough detail about that.  Right now, I feel very close to normal.  Maybe a couple more weeks.  I lost a lot of muscle, because of having to rest so much.  So it will take some exercising to bring that back.  Most of the fluid retention is gone.  I feel great, and am almost back to my regular activities.

I was diagnosed with temporary heart failure, and put on medications that are bringing my heart into a strong, healthy rhythm. I will go in for an MRI on my heart on the 23rd to see exactly what can be done in terms of an ablation to correct the electrical misfiring that causes atrial fibrillation, which can lead to heart failure.  It is a new procedure developed (lucky for me) right here at the University of Utah.  www.healthsciences.utah.edu/carma 

By the way, I LOVE food, always have.  I feel happy that I scheduled the fast to end during the harvest.  I'm loving the fresh, raw garden veggies and fruits.  It seems that going without food for a while always makes me appreciate the succulent varieties Mother Earth offers more than ever. 

I'm really appreciating the value of conscious eating.  I am committed to eating the foods in season and keeping it simple.  My body does really well with a lifestyle of at least 80% raw food.  We'll see how that works in the winter.

The Power of Surrender

I'm feeling better and stronger each day.  After getting things off my chest about my heart, I feel at peace. 

I'm appreciating the many opportunities to practice surrendering to what is during this experience.  I'm noticing many of the things I used to worry over, or want to change, just don't matter any more.  Surrendering is about letting go of the need to control.  It's about appreciating what this moment is offering.  For me right now, it is the richness of life itself.  Words seem so inadequate to the feelings that come up.  It seems to not really make sense.  Nothing makes sense any more.  It just IS. 

It's amazing to me how powerful it can be to face the demons in our lives.  The parts of us that we would like to ignore, or hide from, or deny.  I am appreciating the power of humility to lead to the path of LOVE, the power of a heart broken open to let LOVE in, the power of facing death to appreciate LIFE, and the power of unraveling the ego to realize our innocence.

I would love to hear your shares.  I'm imagining we have all experienced letting go, and letting LOVE in.

BE With What IS

Along with the pearls of learning, awareness,  insights, emotional healing, weight loss, and the opportunity to let go of judgements that I have gained with this experience; I now get to face some possibilities I wanted to think would never apply to me.

I believed if I had a positive attitude with specific affirmations, listened to my body, and destressed my life, my heart would stay strong and healthy, and I would never have to face the debilitating effects common to people who live with atrial fibrillation.  I really felt I was living that life of perfect health and expressed gratitude every day for the level of health I enjoyed.

When I made the descision to do a 40 day water fast, I didn't think about the possibility of it putting so much stress on my heart.  I had experienced it being sensitive to eating a heavy meal, or any significant change in dietary habits.  I just felt so good, I didn't anticipate the impact the fast would have on my heart.

I realize now, that the fast was a sort of stress test, which manifests symptoms that would very likely show up anyway as time goes on.  I didn't think I was in denial of my heart condition, I just thought I could beat the odds if I did all the "right" things.  Mind over matter, right?

I'm feeling kinda low physically and emotionally.   I know a Vapassana attitude would be very helpful right now.  BE WITH WHAT IS.  No judgement, no aversion, no attachment to what I want.

What I'm grateful for tonight, is that in my search for answers, I've discovered a new breakthrough for people with A-fib, that I feel excited to look into.  I've surrendered to the medications for now, and I would like to get back to a healthy heart--without A-fib.  I see that possibility, and will be persuing it.

Eating Crow

"Eating Crow" is an old term used when you have had a lot to say about something, and it turns out you might be wrong in your judgement. 

In the past, I've had a lot to say about allopathic medicine, Drs., & hospitals.  I have been relentless at times trying to get my husband to wean off his prescription medications and go "all natural".  I have tried the
medical route myself for a heart condtion I've had for over 12 years.  Whenever I would try a prescription drug, my body would react in the opposite way than the drug was designed for, or I would experience the "side effects".  I realized that my belief that the drug was BAD caused my body to reject its effects.  I was OK with that.  It made me "right".  I was doing quite well, and taking good care of myself without medications or supplements for my heart.

One of my intentions for this experience was to let go of anything that is out of alignment with LOVE.  That would certainly include judgements.  I kept saying I was open to whatever needed to happen, but my daughter's wise feedback said I was resisting medical intervention on a subconscious level.  I had to look at that and admit she was right.  So, Tuesday, Aug. 16, when I came to a place where I felt I was drowning in my own body fluids, I was faced with all my judgements against the medical field. 

I called my other daughter, who is a nurse, and asked her what she would recommend.  She had been very respectful of my choices, and very nervous about my condition.  She called a doctor about a prescription for a saline drip.  We were still focused on the dehydration issue, thinking the edema was from that.  The doctor wouldn't give an order until I had labs drawn so that he could see exactly what I needed.

Long story short, I found myself with an opportunity to not only completely surrender my judgements, but love and fully appreciate the doctor's expertise, and be grateful for the medication's ability to quickly pull me out of a life threatening crisis.  I consciously seized the opportunity to fully embrace my situation and go to the hospital for a couple of days for treatment.  I found myself loving and appreciating the whole experience.

The good news is the cardiologist who helped me is just the kind of doctor I asked for.  He listens with an open mind, makes suggestions, and respects my choices.  Life is full of surprises.  That's what makes it so interesting and beautiful!

Pearls Along the Way

I have spent more time in my heart in the last two months than I have my whole lifetime before this.  This Journey has been rich with pearls of insight, healing, awareness, FEELING, listening, surrendering, trusting, learning, sacred moments of unraveling on a core level of my subconscious mind, taking accountability, and letting go of anything not in alignment with LOVE.

Through the guidance of a wise shaman, I was shown an old destructive family pattern of subtle competitive triangulation that strangles sibling trust.

When my energies were ultra sensitive, I learned to take accountability for my participation in any relationship or person I avoided; see their innocence, recognize that all the judgements I had on them, were simply projections of judgements I had on  myself.  The pearl in this was that when I saw their innocence, I got to see my own innocence as well.  The gift of the innocent child, ME, is precious beyond words.  I was finally able to let go, on a subconscious level, the NEED to TRY to be good, TRY to ascend, or whatever "BE GOOD" looks like at the time.    I understood it conceptually, and yet, continued to  act as if I still needed to prove something.  I now KNOW in my heart of hearts, I don't need to TRY anymore.  I get to just live in my heart and experience BEING HUMAN.

There were an abundance of opportunities to surrender my monkey mind to the precious silence where PEACE stands firm in the face of fear.  Fear wants to control and manage the situation.  Peace knows God is in control; and the outcome will be for my highest good, when I LET GO of what I THINK the outcome should look like.

Now, this current opportunity to wear judgements I have had a lot to say about, that were not in alignment with LOVE.  Read my next blog, Eating Crow, for details.
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Powerful Message of Moose

As I continue to rebuild, I am keenly aware of the loving support and precious gems I get to gather along the way.

I had a young male moose come hang out in my yard for a couple of days, when I was very low.  I became curious about the message moose bring.  It wasn't until Sunday, when a young female moose with twins came, that I had a chance to look into it.  Her behavior was unusual for a mother with young ones. She seemed extremely calm lying in the shade with her little ones.  She stayed half the day, even though I had visitors. 

I was intrigued, so I looked up moose in my Animal-Speak by Ted Andrews (a reference to indigenous traditions and beliefs about the language of animals and the messages they bring.)  It couldn't have fit more perfectly with what I was experiencing!  I surely felt  Mother Nature's loving support, and appreciate this witness that we are connected to all life, and when in our essence, we naturally serve one another. 

Here are some tidbits that resonated with me:  "The moose can teach the ability to move from the outer world to the inner.  It can teach how to cross from life to death and back to stronger life.  It teaches how to use the thin thread that separates life and death to one's advantage.  ... There is a great maternal energy that has a primal strength to it.  ...the individual should pay more attention to that inner voice...  Learning to trust what they so often think is simply the imagination....  When moose comes into your life, the primal contact with the great feminine force and void of life is being awakened.  It is an invitation to learn to explore new depths of awareness and sensitivity within yourself and within your environs."

As I lay there letting in her message, I felt an incredible bond with her, and gratitude for her willingness to bring such a powerful message.

Food for Thought

As I feel my way back through this experiment with food and fasting, I recognize many precious truths discovered through observation and new insight.

I wanted to learn more about living in the moment, in the presence of God. I now know I had a rare opportunity to go there, and because I was in my home with my family, I became distracted by habitual doings, mindless things.

I had been warned to go away from my home, or send everyone away. I decided to stay, because I felt the setting is so perfect.  I didn't send family away because I knew they would respect my process and support me as best they could.  I was the one who stepped out of integrity by taking care of others and putting expectations on myself to keep things running.  The voice in my head says, "Can't ask someone else to do my job when I feel well enough to do it myself."  I imagine most of you can relate to that. 

It robbed me of the precious subtle energies, my body needed to do what I was asking it to do.  The imbalance that choice created scattered and distracted my focus from being with my process, to doing.  I now know this is a pattern of behavior familiar to me, and it is so subtle.  I hadn't seen it because I always had reserve energy.

I recognize where my body, mind, and Spirit were in complete alignment with my purpose. Where I see the line was crossed, is where I made unconscious choices early in the water fast that did not support my purpose.  I spent the energy my body needed to do what I was asking it to do, and used it for things that were not in alignment.   I recognize this as a pattern of behavior that doesn't serve me on a daily basis.

I have been shown that we are all Beings of Love and Light, here to give and receive Love. Love is who we are. Anything out of alignment with that is not real and doesn't serve essence. Giving and receiving is the yin and yang that keeps us in balance in this human experience. It comes as natural as breathing when we are balanced and in integrity with our essence, or Being. There is no effort involved.

What I learned in this experience is that with any deep cleansing of the body, the toxic energy of fear and other emotions we have not let go of will surface as much as any other toxin. Fear is the absence of love. They cannot co-exist. This is the very primal base of every choice we make in this realm of "free will".  It isn't a right or wrong choice, simply a choice in our experiment in a world of dense matter.

My experience with the energy of fear in this experiment, is that it is a powerful consuming energy.  Without any reserves, the energy of fear threw me very quickly into survival mode, out of touch with the power of Love available to me to carry out what I was asking my body to do.  It temporarily paralyzed me.
I had spent valuable Life Force energy doing trivial busyness and distractions instead of staying conscious about loving. nurturing, appreciating and honoring this most sacred and delicate process of the human body.

I wonder how many thousands of choices we make like this every day?  Where we spend energy doing things not in alignment with the heart, but based on the fear of rejection, or not good enough, or approval of others, holding up an image, and many other ego-fear based stories in our head.

I wonder if the myriad methods of mind control used in every type of media targeting these fears, is what has conditioned us to be such voracious, mindless consumers of Mother Earth's resources?  What do we give back to her to replenish what we consume?  Toxic trash?  Who does it really benefit? 

I have always felt a deep connection with Mother Earth.  Our bodies are built in her likeness.  This experience has revealed to me the exquisite pain she feels when her children abuse their bodies and each other.  I feel an overwhelming sadness at the disconnect from her and our own natural rhythms, that we have allowed ourselves to be caught up in, at an enormous cost to her and to ourselves.   

I feel as though she is going through a similar cleansing, healing crises as I am experiencing.  She knows how to find that balance, and will do what it takes.  I wonder if the best way we can support her, would be to make these changes within our very selves?  I wonder if this is the only way WE will survive the changes occuring so rapidly in our Mother, in her process of finding that balance? 

I wonder how the valuable lessons I learned about loving. nurturing, appreciating and honoring my body and her inner wisdom might be applied to supporting MOTHER EARTH in Her cleansing process?

I will be doing a great deal of resting and may not post on this blog for a few days.  I will be back.  Thank you for listening with an open mind and an open heart.  I welcome your thoughts and insights.

Are You Listening?

I continue to feel stronger each day, as the healing process progresses.  I am gratefully receiving support from people, seen and unseen, who have experience in the areas I need support. 

I had some people call to come for a visit.  My intuition and body said NO, but I automatically bypassed that, (an old habit).  I didn't listen to the wisdom of my heart, nor the request for support from my body.  I set myself aside for them.  A common choice, right?  I paid the price, and got a HUGE learning. The energy they brought with them was well meaning, and fear based.  I recognized a pattern I have done throughout my life about rescuing people whom I judge have made a bad choice.  I got a taste of my own medicine.  As sensitive as I am right now, it was a dose I'll never forget.

In a place where my energies are so low, I've been forced to be very quiet, even quieting my thoughts.  What a gift!  I continue to be amazed at the insights and learnings that come in when I get to go to that level of stillness.  I'm learning about the thousands of choices we make every day.  When they are fear based, or out of alignment with our essence and purpose here on this planet, they rob us in ways we are unaware.  Our bodies are not designed to age, break down, and wear out.  We do that by the choices we make.  I will share more about that later. 

I have already received every intention I asked for, for this experiment, and continue to receive in abundance more than I ever anticipated.  Thank you, Thank you, God!

Ups and Downs

Wow!  What a ride!  This week has been a roller coaster of ups and downs.  I'm still experiencing healing crises, which I recognize as process of deep cleansing.  My energy levels plummet easily, and I felt strongly to take three days of just being quiet, going inside, seeing and feeling the Light do its work,  and allow the body what it needs to find balance.  (Besides, sometimes my energy is so low, I can't push out the words anyway)  This morning was like that until Don came by and did an adjustment.  He seems to recognize just what needs to happen.  It gave me renewed strength.  Then  Gary gave my lymphs a good massage and most of the pain went away. 

I think the pain involved in the healing process has been the main source of energy drain.  I got some good news today that I am right on target and will be back to myself in a few days to a week.   Don indicated I am at the phase of getting ready for that birth.  That really resonated with me, and I feel grateful.  As I prepared for this fast months ago, I kept seeing triple 5's.  I looked up what that means in numerology. It means resurrection, which I interpret as rebirth. 

It's been amazing to me that many of the helpful suggestions that came from others, I was intuitively doing already.  This is the place where I feel this experiment is a HUGE success.  THIS was my main intention to begin with.

Last night, I had a breakthrough in some blockages I was experiencing.  I had a strong ego attachment to one of my children, I hadn't recognized.  I am committed to letting go of all ego centered structure.  Even the roles of Mother and children.  It seems, I had to get pretty low to recognize this one.  Ego identity can be so subtle.  I found myself in a potentially dangerous situation in the form of an aneurysm in the carotid artery.  I knew what to do.   I had gone through this with another of my children a year ago.  As soon as I got complete, the artery began to heal.  It's amazing to me what has shown up to heal, and the many other gifts of learning I've encountered along the way.

Tonight, I feel my strength coming back.  I anticipate things to continue to improve from here.  Thanks to everyone's love and prayers.  I FEEL so HAPPY!

Crossed the Line

So I did the potatoes and grapefruit juice for a few days as well as a few other fruits & veggies.  Saturday, July 30, I woke feeling strongly I needed more direction.  I began to slip into fear again.  I knew I was doing better, but it was so slow.  I didn't realize how far I had crossed, but was surely feeling the effects.

I called Don over.  He kindly came.  He said my eyes showed much progress.  One thing he and my daughter, Jessica, who is a nurse, strongly emphasized was to drink just water alone to hydrate.  Since I hadn't been tolerating water well, I had been drinking lots of watered down juices.  I geared myself up to find a way to enjoy water again, ice in the water helped.  At the end of the day, I was taking it well.  

He suggested my favorite salad among other things.  Cafe' Rio, of course.  I looked forward with excitement all day.  My body loved every delicious bite, and it started the action  of the colon needed.  It was perfect. 

Later, Spirit urged my sister, Bonnie, (who is an energy master, reiki master, medical intuitive and shaman, http://www.soulbalancing.com/ ) to come over and give me what I needed energetically.  She said my aura was extremely low and my battery was needing a kick start.  After she assisted me in getting grounded and reconnecting me to my auric field, she cautioned me to stay connected to Life Force, Love within to allow the aura to rebuild and become strong again.  I had NO energy reserve.  My body needed tons of Love.

Throughout this experiment, I have felt strongly, the love and concern of legions.  I feel grateful for the lives I have touched, and the power of Love I have gratefully received from so many.  Knowing we are all connected in Love, Spirit, God, gives me great comfort.  Thank you all for your Love and Prayers.  I know they have carried me through.

Today, I felt to get some fresh garden beets.  They are very healing to the colon.  My family, so loving and supportive.  Prepared my meals.

New Hope, New Learnings

By Tues. July 25, I awoke feeling so traumatized, I knew I had to make a drastic change in what I was doing.  I was trying to get back to food and wanted to be gentle, but in so much fear & survival.  I think that subtle, ego centered expectation completely threw me off center.

My dear friend, Don Tolman, who has an amazing understanding of the chemistry and workings of the body, as well as lots of experience with fasting, was willing to give me just the guidance I needed.  He understood exactly what I needed to find the balance and get back on food.  He explained it beautifully, so I could understand.  He has access to a wealth of ancient indigenous teachings society has completely lost touch with.  His website is http://www.dontolman.com/

He told me to eat mashed potatoes with butter and salt for three days.  Can you believe it!  Oh my!  It was sooo yummy and felt so good. I enjoyed every bite.  The only juice that feels good on my tummy now is grapefruit juice.  I still have a difficult time with water.

Don taught me that because women have a completely different make up than men, they need to do the 40 day water fast in 10 day segments, quarterly, and in sync with the new moon.  He found it in some ancient teachings that the women healers understood. That would be way gentler!  Now I know.  I will not cross this line again.

I feel a little stronger each day, and feel the effects of running too far, too fast.  My body is still working very hard to find the balance.  I LOVE my body!  I've learned that I am not a victim of my body, EVER!  It just wants to be LOVED, HONORED, and RESPECTED.

Day 20

I went in for the third colonic.  Still lots of dumping.  It completely wiped me out, and sent my spleen into a healing crises.  OUCH!  I had read in LSWF that as each organ is going through its own healing crises, there could be a lot of pain involved.  I feel so grateful to have my beloved there to take care of my needs.

I began to grasp the realization that my body has gone very deep, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  A lot of the fears were old familiar ones, so, easy to recognize.  Not so easy to move through.  I spent the next two days assisting the spleen to clean and heal.   Hardly able to move, I felt physically like I was loosing ground, but keeping in mind the healing process and feeling grateful for the inner strength and wisdom of my body  to know what to do. 

I had decided to move back to food.  I didn't really know the best way (self-doubt).  I was aware that you can run too far, too fast.  I felt I had reached a point of feeling emaciated.  The fear was that I had taken it too far.

It was difficult to find anything that didn't trigger the nausea, even mint.

Day 19

Well, the experiment is going in a different direction than I anticipated, and I'm going with it.  I will continue diluted juices until my system calms down.  Then I will decide to continue the fast or go back to food.  Either way, I consider the experiment a success.  My main goal was learning to honor my body and listen to my intuition.  I continue in this.

I did the second colonic, and felt much stronger.  I'm feeling a lot of bloat.   The gas isn't moving well. It helps to move about, but I don't have a lot of energy for that.. 

It's the halfway point of the 40 day fast.  Perhaps a 20 day is all I want to do this time.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Day 18

Today was very rough and challenging.  I had more deep emotional feelings that took me back to my first pregnancy, where I had done all the right things to prepare myself for  the best outcome for a normal, healthy baby.  The labor was a literal nightmare, the baby wouldn't come.  Later, the stillborn baby had to be extracted from my body.  I couldn't finish.  So, more fears of failure  cropped up for me to look at.  Since we hold fear in our stomachs, it increased the nausea to where I couldn't even eat ice.

I had scheduled a colonic, hoping to get things moving.  The whole process exhausted me more, but it sure moved a lot of toxins out.  The therapist emphasized that a lot of the symptoms I was having were signs of mineral depletion and toxic overload.  She gave me a couple of ounces of probiotic kiefer with a bit of pomegranate juice.  It felt so good, I decided to take a few days of this combination, alternating with lemon juice in water, and schedule two more days of colonics to clean the lymphs as well.

The problem came when I forgot an important point JMW makes in his book, LSWF about heavily diluting the juice at first.  I did the lemon water too strong, and it sent my stomach into spasms.  Not fun!   It felt so good to keep something down, I wasn't paying attention.

Right now, I'm trying some diluted mint tea to see if things will settle down.  Wish me luck!

New Learnings, Day 17

I learned some important things today.  I had been spending a lot of time curled up in a ball with no energy to move, just waiting it out.   I knew I should keep moving, but it was forced and weak.  Ninety percent of a reprogramming effort like this  is a mental exercise, as is life, to stay focused on what works instead of what doesn't work, right?  When I realized old fears were taking over, I knew I had to change my focus.

My intuition told me there was something in LSWF that would be helpful.  I found some really important tips I wasn't using.  Movement is important, but Conscious movement is key.  Staying conscious of my chi (prana, energy) while I move, and let my body decide the moves.  So I set out in nature and just followed my intuition paying close attention to my chi.  Not only did I get some good exercise, but stayed strong throughout.

The mind must have something to do.  By keeping it focused on the strength of my chi, instead of the program that I am emaciated from not eating, I was able to bypass that program and create one that serves me. 

Also, I allowed myself to enjoy the taste and aroma of a very small portion of vegetarian chicken flavored soup stock.  I felt it important to let go of the need to do this perfect.  I just put a drop on my tongue and let it sit there for  about a minute consciously savoring the flavor.  It was so yummy, I tried some more later in the day, but my body wasn't  interested.  I felt complete.

I got a hint from JMW about why my body would only take ice chips instead of water.  It wants the water to be pre-digested.  Who knew?  So, I've enjoyed ice chips all day, which kept the thirst at a minimum.

The Fear Monster

I had no idea I had so much FEAR around succeeding!  It hit me hard tonight and I had a melt down.  I realize I have set myself up for failure by creating a lot of pressure from myself (through my readers) to finish this to the end, and it is bringing up my deepest, darkest self doubt.  I am now exposing my most authentic raw self in this moment.  I need to let go of the idea that I MUST do this.  It is making me miserable, and I'm next to giving up. 

This is bringing up a core mistrust of my body created by an incident with my Dad when I was 3yrs. old.  I held myself so rigid so as to obey him, so he would stop spanking me.  I forced the tears down and the noise from my throat, but my body betrayed me and reacted to all I was trying to hold back.  It wasn't good enough.  I couldn't pull it off.  I couldn't trust my body to do what I wanted it to.

I feel this is coming up to be healed.  I don't feel strong enough mentally right now.  Right now my self doubt is as strong as my belief.  I would rather LOVE myself and be gentle in this moment than worry about succeeding.  I can always try it again another time when I don't feel under any pressure.  I don't know how else to let it go other than to just stop, or do some juice for a few days.  I'll sleep on it.  We'll see.

So, I don't know if I will continue the fast.  I may need to stop it now and know that I have already succeeded in as far as I have come.  I'm just noticing the fear is over riding my intuition.   I'm having difficulty navigating until I can let go of this anxiety.

It's All About Food

Day 16: I got some good sleep last night (3 hrs.), I finally got to sun gaze (it's been cloudy), and feel much better today.  I feel VERY thirsty, yet my stomach won't accept water.  I suspect my pancreas is being worked on.  My mouth felt so much like it does when you just get out of surgery and you have cotten mouth, so I thought about sucking on ice chips.  That always seemed to relieve the thirst without upsetting the stomach.  I worked!  So I've been sucking ice chips all day with good results.  I even had enough energy to go for a short walk.  Then I sat in my water fall and let the water splash on me. 

I got some feedback from a generous reader about letting nature feed me and loving my body.  I practiced that, with good results.

I joined a forum on the breatharian.info website.  It is so helpful to learn from others experiences and research.  I found this quote on one of them that really resonated with me. 

"You also realise what an incredible diversion food is on this planet and the energy that is expended on growing it, harvesting it, distributing it, selling it, preparing it, eating it, and the social integration that goes on around that. And the amount of time and money one can release into your life if you don't have to spend a tremendous amount of your life on food. You can use that time and energy towards achieving other ends." - Robin Adams, Breatharian

Then I was reading an article about the intentional programming marketers do to get people to consume more food.  It reminded me of what has sadly become the norm since the 70's and maybe why so many Americans are obese.

"It's all about making people think they want to have something in their hands all the time," he says. "Why are we snacking all the time and munching all the time? [Food] is there, it's available all the time, it's tasty. It's not very healthy, but it's tasty. It's sweet, it's salty, it's fatty—it's all the things we love."

 This journey is about changing that unconscious habit for me, so that I can enjoy a more healthy, pain free body and more vitality.   --and by the way, have the freedom to choose.  What are your thoughts?

Day 15 of 40

Since being off water, I've  only been able to sleep until 3:00 a.m.   Last night I lay awake all night.  This morning I felt very light headed.  It definitely feels like a total rest day.  I was extremely thirsty this a.m.  I was able to gradually sip about 3 oz. of water this morning, but no more .  I did a colon wash and, I think retained quite a bit that way.

I have felt pretty limp and weak all day.  I've experienced a lot of pain in my upper back behind the heart, and some pain in my heart.  It feels like some unseen force is operating on my heart, and I just have to be still and let them do their work. 

Yesterday, I noticed some swelling and tenderness in a couple of old varicous veins.  I see that and today's heart issue as a healing crises, and I celebrate.   Today the swelling on the veins went down and are no longer tender.  I really appreciate that my body knows what it's doing, and I just get to enjoy the outcome.

Day 14 of 40

I have tried taking a little more water today just to see if I'm ready for water.  My body only tolerates a sip at a time.  I don't worry about dehydration, because if I can't get water down my stomach and really need it, I can always do a colon wash and get some that way.  So far we're doing well.  Thank you, God.

I ventured out on a few activities...went for a walk, did laundry, drove to get a hair cut.  The drive was interesting I felt very unsteady, not safe.  I noticed a certain level of stress with driving that we don't normally feel.  I had to keep breathing to keep from being light headed, yet too much oxygen make me light headed too.  It was tricky.  I don't think I want to drive again until I feel much stronger.

The time has passed quickly, and I have a feeling the last part will go even faster.  Tonight I'm feeling pretty weak and a little tender in the stomach.

Day 13 of 40

Several surprises showed up today.  This is day three without water, except to swish my mouth and swallow occasionally.  My body still does not want it.  I tried a few swallows for lunch and felt nauseous. 

I'm imagining the burning sensation in my upper back and neck is a symptom that the cleansing process is accelerating.  This is where I have held a lot of negativity, tension, and carried burdens that didn't belong to me.  It feels good to be relieved of all that.

Also, I have been cold in the shade and worn socks to keep my feet warm.  Today, my body temperature went up so that I don't need a blanket anymore.  I did 29 minutes sun gazing and practicing a lot of deep breathing to feed my body with Cosmic rays of light.  It really works to strengthen me when I feel weak.  I also did a little Tai Chi and walking, which I think must be helping my energy levels.

I notice my heart getting stronger and slower.  In the past ten years I have experienced symptoms of heart failure, atrial fibrillation,  weak pulse, and rapid heart rate.  I'm excited that my heart is so strong now I can actually FEEL it beating.  WooHoo!  I'm so grateful for the loving support and faith to get off all medications and supplements and let my body do what it is designed to do.

Day 11 of 40

I found out today that the flatulence, burping and nausea are all good signs that the cleansing process is in full alignment with the body's healing process.  Yeah!

My friend, Don Tolman, has a lot of experience with 40 day fasting, and is one of my consultants.  Lucky me!  He said the nausea might be relieved if I go 24 hrs. without water.  I did that today.  It was easier than I anticipated, and it took care of the nausea to a large degree.   Also, I learned that it is normal for the body temperature to go way down since no heat is being created by metabolism.  That's why  I chose the hottest part of the year to do this.

I got a lot more rest today, and though tired at the end of the day, I didn't crash.  It was so lovely lying in the hammock under the aspen trees next to the waterfall with a big blanket around me to keep warm.  I couldn't ask for a better place to do this challenging fast than my own back yard, up high in the Rocky Mountains. 

I'm practicing taking a deep breath while focusing on my Inner I AM Source of Life to strengthen me when I feel weak.  It works like a charm, and motivates me to spend more time in contemplation, focusing on using I AM to feed me, as I surrender to Divine Love within.

I'm sleeping very well.  This morning I practiced sun gazing just listening to my intuition, and felt complete after 35 min.  In the past, I have relied on my timer, and the stories in my head that I need to follow a schedule.  My intuition ruled the day, and I'm pleased with the results.

Day 10

I notice I've been passing a lot of gas the last couple of days.  I thought maybe it was because I needed to wash the colon, so I did that this morning.  Besides, I notice after a couple days of not washing, I start feeling icky, almost like the flu.  I felt much better and seemed to have more stamina today as I did a little puttering.  I even had enough energy tonight to do a short walk about the mountain.

It seems that whenever I drink water makes me burp.  I don't know what that's about, nor how long it will last.  I notice too, that when I drink water later in the evening, it makes me nauseous.  I thought it was because  I drank too much at a time.  But when I tried sipping just a little tonight, it still made me sick.

Throughout the day I generally feel light headed when I stand up too fast, especially as my energy wanes as the day goes on.  If I don't rest sufficiently between activities, my heart races.  I often feel a general weakness in my body.  I suppose it's working very hard to clean out. 

Thank you, God, for this amazing body and it's ability to clean, repair, and rejuvinate itself when we trust and honor its process.

Day 9 of 40

I felt great all day.  I even went to the city to see my sisters, and felt strong and energized.  I had a foot zoning to help the cleansing process.  I noticed a little edema, and my friend who was doing the foot zoning said it may be coming off my spleen.  The spleen works closely with the lymph system to keep the organs clean.  The lymphs need body movement to move the toxins.  So I decided to jump on the trampoline.  It worked really well when I was on the juice fast.

I was surprised at my strength when I was moving big rocks around in the waterfall.  Afterwards, I lay down to rest and crashed.  I got really thirsty, drank more water and am now going to bed feeling nauseous.  I don't really understand the whys, so am not sure about any corrective measures.  I tried a little salt water.  It took the edge off so I could sleep.  Joachim said vomiting would be one of the symptoms of a water fast, and it would be temporary.  I get to just BE with it for now.

Prana Meditation

Day 8: I started the day with an enema to clean out.  I felt great all morning and into the afternoon.  I commited to just resting today.  I did a little light housework toward evening and it took my energy down fast.  Overall, it was a good day.   I felt much better than yesterday.  Rest & be gentle seems to be the key.

I found a meditation I really like from a breatharian named Jasmuheen http://youtu.be/7OTeCk66AK8.  I found it to be very helpful when fasting, to keep up my energies.  The following are parts of it:

"...slow, relaxed, deep breathing, gently refined, connected breathing.  I am a pure, perfect being - the Master of my body.  Every cell is open to receive instruction from Master.  Take a few moments to appreciate and love my body.  I love you, I love you, I love you.  ...cellular capacity to attract, receive, and radiate Love.  Acknowledge the pure prana [energy] within [from I AM source]... With each inhale, drink in pure prana with every cell of my being... Every atom is a door...an inner door.  Draw pure Love, prana into every cell...  Pure prana nurishes me now - ...exhale...direct the flow of pranic energy out through every cell through skeletal, lymph, blood lines, meridians, organs, endochrine system, nervous system out though the skin to flood my aura, to nourish... then out to the world to nourish the environment with pure streams of Love.

All my vitamins, all my minerals, everything I need to be strong healthy, self regenerating comes from a limitless source of Love, Pure Prana that flows from the inner realms through me now.

As I walk through this world, with every breath, I draw it in from the inner realms and radiate it out through my being so that my presence nourishes this world."

Are You Listening?

Day 7: I started out feeling good, but a little light headed.  It felt like it should be a rest only day, but I went ahead and did laundry and painted my park benches.  I thought I was pacing my self, moving slowly and resting lots in between, but I kept feeling weak, unsteady, light headed, and my heart seemed to work extra hard.  By 5:00 p.m., it felt like I had the flu.  I finally took a nap and felt a little better, except for a headache.

I sat down with Gary as he ate that same delicious soup he shared with me, through kisses, a few days ago.  This time, I smelled it and my body said no, it wasn't interested.  I got a little drop on my finger and tasted it anyway.  In a few minutes I felt a headache and nauseous.

Needless to say, I got some pretty good learnings around listening to my body.  It is in such a sensitive state, the consequences of not listening are swift and painful.  I'm imagining it is working hard to clean out and doesn't want any distractions.  I appreciate how well my body is doing and commit to listening better and honoring what it needs.  Tomorrow, I seek to honor my body in the work it's performing.

Freedom

The more I read from Life Style Without Food, the more I LOVE it!  It is simple, direct, thorough, and easy to understand, and makes perfect sense.  It gives me so much more insight that I feel confident in my quest as more information is given to me.  I'm also noticing a lot of synchronicities coming together to support my desire.

Often, when I share what I am doing with others, their first response is something like, "I LOVE food. Why would I want to give that up?"  For me it's not about giving anything up.  It's an investment in more freedom.  It's all about the FREEDOM to choose.  To eat for pleasure rather than from a place of NEED, which has a subtle fear base. I love to question the status quo and check the limits of my belief system.  This is my passion.

My body feels excited at the thought of the freedom from  limitations available, the opportunity to learn and grow in an unknown, and show others who may become interested, how it works.  I see an exciting opportunity to serve all God's children in various ways through this one experiment.

Day 5: my energy was really good this morning until I took Epsom salts to clean my bowels.  I'm learning that it dehydrates me so badly for the rest of the day, it takes my energy way down.  I think I'll stick with enemas when I need to clean out.  It's more involving initially, but not worth a whole day of feeling icky.  I kept being prompted to just do an enema  and I would feel better.  I put it off until dinner, when I finally obeyed the voice.  I felt much better afterwards.  Good lesson on what works and on listening to my intuition.

Day 5 of 40

I felt great all day!  I even had enough energy to paint some benches.  I'm LOVING how slender and light I feel.  So far, I've lost 21 pounds. 

I've discovered I can still enjoy food through my olfactory senses.  I thought it would be hard to be around food, but I'm actually enjoying the aroma.  I can sit down with my family at meals and enjoy their company without craving anything or wanting to eat.  I'm enjoying this experiment more than I anticipated.  WOW!  I'm excited and impressed.  Thank you God.  It IS easeful, so far.

I even discovered a great way to TASTE my favorite foods without eating.  When my husband takes a bite, and after he swallows it, I kiss him.  The flavor is still on his lips.  It completely satisfys me.  What a fun way to eat!  ...and NO calories nor digesting needed.

The New Human

WOW! I just found a cool blog on what the indigenous peoples know about the planet, and how nature responds to what we have done to mother Earth.  I really resonated with the article.  It speaks to my commitment to walk more gently on the planet and have more respect for all life, including my own. 

"We can become homo luminous in our lifetime. This is our greatest task: to take that quantum leap individually because as we do it for ourselves, we do it for the entire planet. Each and every one of us, when we choose truth, when we choose life, when we choose light, we are transforming the world." - Alberto Villoldo from his blog called "Homo Luminous: The New Human"  http://www.realitysandwich.com/homo_luminous_the_new_human

I realize how much I have abused this amazing body, as well as participating in the abuse of the planet by my purchases.  I want to do my best to repent, change the way that I live, and promote harmony in all aspects of my life.  This Journey to Neverfood is one aspect of that change.

Today is day four.  I felt great until I went to the city to a wedding.  I thought I'd be fine for just a couple of hours.  I wasn't prepared for what happened.  I felt very faint an hour into it, and when I got home it took the rest of the day to recover.  Now I know why people say, "If you do 40 days, you need to be by yourself or at a retreat."  I don't know if it was the energy of the city, or a lot of people, or just a phase in the fast.  I took an enema when I got home thinking it would revive me, but it didn't. I fainted again.

Day 3 of 40 Days of Water

Day 3 is typically thought to be the toughest in a fast.  I braced myself to just rest today.  I do have some weakness, so I rest, or contemplate Source energy feeding my body.  I only drink water when I'm thirsty, which is quite often today.  What I'm experiencing, I think, is the result of approaching fasting differently than I have ever before.  Now, I'm thinking, "If this is the toughest, I'm in for an easeful ride."  YEAH ME!  Thank you, God.

At first I was nervous at the thought of 40 days on just water.  That prompted me to prepare myself mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Joachim Werdin's book Life Style Without Food has been the most helpful in all areas.  See www.breatharian.info  The forum is also a great support.

I believe the gradual process I have chosen, the pre-cleansing, and the practice of listening to my body is key to my current success.  I continue to be amazed at the level of energy I'm still experiencing.  I am able to be more active than I had anticipated. 

Awareness of the Gift

A dear friend asked me what my process is to let go of old beliefs that no longer serve my soul.  I've known that I have a learning process.  I just haven't thought about it in steps.

What I could articulate is that I have an insatiable curiosity and love for learning.  Mother was and avid reader and taught me how to gather information from books.  Dad was a strong influence for listening to the "still small voice", and following my heart, the Spirit of Truth.

One of the first experiences I recalled was when I prayed to know if I should live plural marriage.  I felt a huge swelling, pulsating sensation in my heart that literally sent me reeling back.  It was a full body yes!  The next time I felt what I call the "knowing", about a significant decision in my life, was when Faye was talking to me about Gary two and a half years later.  I was asking God the question, "Was this the family I belonged in?"  I felt a tangible stirring deep in my heart that was, again, an undeniable YES!

I assumed everyone worked this way and that it was normal.  In retrospect, I can see that whenever I have lived in my head, I have been miserable.  When I live from my heart and trust the signals, which I call Divine guidance, it always leads me to Truth and happiness.

As I pay more attention and become more aware of body sensations, thoughts that come in, and as I let go of baggage, I find God talking to me all the time through intuition. Then I realize the gift was always there.  Memories of my childhood come flooding in where God has guided me throughout life and never failed me.  Thank you, thank you, God.

Day 2: I woke at 4:30, felt great all morning until about 10:00 a.m.  I'm noticing a significant drop in energy today.  Resting a lot between activities.

Day One of My 40 Day Fast

I just finished 40 days of 98% raw foods.  I used the Conscious Eating practice, which cut my food intake by 50% automatically.  The last week was an intensive apple juice detox to insure a clean bowel to start the water fast.  Throughout this period I and everyone around me, are amazed at my energy level.

I drank just one bottle of kambucha tea and two helpings of senna tea today to flush anything left in my bowel.  Just before bed, the night before the 40 day fast began, I felt to drink  a formula for expelling gallstones.  The apple juice I had been on for a week softens the stones, so they can release without pain.  The drink consists of the juice of one whole lemon with 2 0z. of extra virgin olive oil.  This drink puts the liver into a spasm which expels the gallstones. 

Today is day one of my 40 day water fast.  It is recommended to keep the colon clean throughout the fast.  I find this eliminates a lot of headaches.  I opted to do an epsom salt flush instead of the recommended enema this morning.  The fast will end on August 13th.  Then my body will tell me if I still need food.  I have already lost fifteen pounds, which is half the weight I wanted to lose altogether.  I feel excited and encouraged.  I am able to remain physically active.

Reality vs. Fear

I love how easeful sun gazing is. I've jumped to 25 min. of gazing.  Since I'm learning to listen to my body, I can sense when I've had enough.  I'm not afraid of the sun. 

I love how much I'm learning the details of what the Masters have been teaching about the I AM within, and how powerful each individual is if they would recognize it.

I feel very excited to read and understand the process of achieving a "light body" in the book, Life Style Without Food.  It seems the information I need to transform my body into a " light body"(homo luminous) is flooding in from many sources to support me in doing it easefully.

I noticed some of the fears that showed up were that I may disappear and people would just think I died, or that I couldn't be with Gary in that state, or that I might lose connection with family.

What I realize is that I am always at choice in every moment and can create it in whatever way I desire!  I desire to do this experiment / adventure, and for the outcome to be for the highest good for all, to serve the Light, God, and His children.  I imagine when I learn how it works, it will then be a KNOWLEDGE.  Only then can I teach others who desire it.

Loving Support

Friday was my  third day into a juice detox I am doing to prepare for the 40 day water fast that begins July 5th.  Normally, the third day is the toughest.  This time has been very different.  I worked along side Gary for several hours in the yard.  He has seen me in a pretty low state in the past, when I've fasted.  He is very impressed with the high levels of energy and strength I'm experiencing.  I am too.  I actually had more energy than he.  It's surprising and exciting!

Gary is an amazing support.  He seems to be watching me closely to see where this thing goes.  He is having to make a paradigm shift and is willing to give it a possibility.  I feel so grateful for his loving support.   He is learning to honor and respect the stirrings within me, that want to learn and grow in my experience and understanding.  He has learned to trust that I am committed to following my heart and to trust my relationship with God.  He is the reflection of my wholeness and the confirmation that I Love deeply and trust who I AM.

He is an amazing example to me of living life in gratitude.  Gratitude keeps life JOYFUL!

Be the Change

It seems that anytime I have been open to learning and expanding my Love and awareness, I have so many more choices and room for more possibilities.  I think society as a whole is realizing that they are limiting their choices by the myriad of surface distractions that appear to be choices, but lead to the same end, which in my view is slavery to the economic system created by "the elite".  I am now choosing out of this system as much as possible.  I commit to walking more gently on the earth and contributing to more harmony in my world.

When I think of the plethora of abuses to the planet just from our eating practices alone, I am shocked and appalled.  From the deforestation and  fossil fuels used for packaging alone, the abuse to the planet and the waste it creates is staggering!  I feel a deep saddness about the devastation of life in the rivers and oceans because of our insatiable appetites. 

I challenge you to pay more attention to your food purchases, and notice a gradual change in what you purchase and eat, just by being more conscious about it.  There are some really good documentaries that may be helpful to you.  "Food Inc." is one that comes to mind.  "Earthlings" is another.
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Settling Into a Routine

Friday is the day of the week I was born.  I have heard that it is beneficial to do a water fast once a week on that day.  So, I am experimenting with doing a weekly water fast starting today in preparation for the 40 day in July.  As of May 12, 2011, I am committed to vegetarian lifestyle to support not killing animals needlessly and the abuse that often goes with it.

I am up to 10 minutes of sun gazing.  I have completed nearly 40 days of 98% raw food while cutting my food intake by 50%. Happily, I have lost 11 lbs. gradually and feel GREAT!  Now I'm moving into a week long detox to prepare for the 40 day water fast.  I experience more energy sometimes when I don't eat than when I do.

I am finding a lot of value in meditating more, so I have decided on two silent Sundays per month instead of the one I have been doing.  Also, I have sent an invitation to friends and family to utilize this space for their personal growth and development on those week ends that work for them.  It seems that everyone's growth is being accelerated and some are feeling overwhelmed. I find the day of silence really helps me get in touch with what I need and where I am.

Family Matters

This adventure feels very similar to the drastic changes I made in my beliefs fifteen years ago.  My family's response then was to not talk to me.

In retrospect, I imagine they were afraid for me and didn't know how to engage.  Kind of like when someone is REALLY REALLY sick.  So, it's IN the space, but no one wants to talk about it, or maybe I just really badly wanted to connect with family and share my experiences and they really weren't interested. I expect to do it differently this time.  I don't need anyone's approval nor acceptance, nor do I expect nor NEED anyone to understand.

This time, I am experiencing the shift very differently.  My family is is either curious or very supportive and excited for me. Those who are not interested are at least respectful. I'm experiencing lots of loving support from family and friends.  I LOVE  life!

Conscious Eating Practice

Conscious Eating gives your body exactly what it needs (Real Body Needs) in right quantity and at the right time. The following is a summary of the seven steps when you FEEL hungry:

1. Relax the mind and body and ask yourself,  "What is it?"...  Do not THINK about the reason, just FEEL the answer.  It is possible at this point the hunger will vanish and there is no RBN.  A picture or emotion may emerge, because blocked emotions or thinking mechanisms when they are pushed out, are first felt as hunger.  Feeding emotions put them back into the psyche.  Acknowledge the feeling and let it go.  Breathe through it.  BE present with it.
2. If you are still hungry, ask yourself what you want to eat.  Again, FEEL the answer.  Just imagine feeling it in your mouth and stomach.  Ask, "What is it?"...  Immerse yourself in any thoughts or pictures that emerge, allowing them to fully pass through you, as you FEEL them all over the mind and body.  After they are gone, they will never make you hungry again.
3. If you are still hungry, FEEL your every move as you prepare the food.  Ask the feeling again, "What is it?"
4. If you are still hungry, slowly bring a piece of food to your nose as you observe the slightest movement and body sensation.  As you smell the food ask again,  "What is it?"... only FEELING no thinking. If no emotion, picture, or thought appears, and hunger is still there, continue.
5. Bite the food.  Keep it in the mouth and FEEL, FEEL, FEEL...  OBSERVE, do NOT think! 
6. Very important.  Chew it for a long time.  Never less than three minutes.  The longer, the better.  Swallow ONLY when it has changed to liquid and changed the taste.  Again, FEEL, FEEL, FEEL...  OBSERVE, do NOT think! 
7. Proceed this way with every bite until you feel full. 

With CE you give the body what it needs, when it needs, and in the right amount.  You learn about yourself.  The intellect becomes more receptive to the voice of intuition, which gives you whatever you need.  

I have discovered much more pleasure with much less food because I'm not just gobbling it down.  I am amazed how just one time of practicing CE completely changed my relationship with food.  WOW!

Another Paradigm Shift

I am collecting information that supports my transformation, and putting it into practice.  I feel so grateful for the access to information available right in my home through the internet.  I am excited about a book called Life Style Without Food by Joachim. M. Werdin. It's a free download and just reading it TOTALLY shifted my paradigm around food.

One of my favorite Serenitext messages says,  "All form may be transformed, or changed in form, through a change of consciousness in regard to it."--Life & Teachings of The Masters    BTW Serenitext  is a positive  affirmation daily text service that sends me random texts to my phone, that I have programmed into my account.  It is a powerful reminder that helps me stay focused on what I want.  You can find it on http//www.serenitext.com  I absolutely LOVE IT!!

I notice that I can be sustained very well with very little food just from my shift in consciousness around food.  Plus, I have other choices to recharge my energies besides food, when I need it. The Conscious Eating practice has helped tremendously!  To learn about CE, tune in to my next blog.  See you there! :)

Learning to Play

In the past, I have taken myself way too seriously in "striving" to be perfect.  Though I have a desire for ascension, this is NOT about  the "goal" of transformation beyond physical limitations.  What it IS about is learning to LISTEN!  Listen to my body, develop my intuition, tune in to "the still small voice" of Divine guidance.  LIVE and have JOY in my soul purpose.

So, how do you stay focused on something this intense and still PLAY with it?  The answer pops in as soon as I ask.  LET GO of attachments to the outcome. Change the way you see it.  Oh, Yeah.  "Adventure & experiment" are the key words here.  The thrill of the journey.  Learning through curiosity.  Enjoy the game. That is what this whole adventure is about anyway.

Trust the Divine

What came up for me today is learning to trust my relationship with the Divine. - God.  Everything seems to be based on some kind of relationship. Trust is Divine medicine.  As I push through my fear of the unknown and learn to trust my feelings / intuition, I will grow in knowledge and understanding.

The real question is, "How DEEPLY can I love myself?"  Have you ever really FELT a DEEP genuine LOVE for yourself?  Isn't that where the Divine spark is?  So, can I trust myself to Love all that I AM, NOW?

To Fear or To Love?

I notice I have more energy since I started sun gazing.  I have worked up to over six minutes.  I need less sleep, and have more time for meditation and writing.  I don't feel the exhaustion at the end of the day that I used to.  I sleep better.  Headaches are gone.  I LOVE how simple it is and how much it is giving me.

It's amazing how much we have been conditioned to fear the very things we are naturally drawn to.  I have intuitively looked directly at the sun high in the sky (with eyes closed of course) to take away a headache or anxiety before knowing about the benefits of sun gazing.

Studies in the 1940's proved that sun bathing during safe hours is beneficial to our health and well being.  It was used with great success by many healing retreats to cure diseases.  The skin is a major eliminative organ. When we perspire, it releases as much toxin from the body as peeing. We have been conditioned to be afraid of the sun.  Worse than that, we have been conditioned to use petroleum based UV protection that clogs the pores of the skin.  That is where most skin cancer comes from.  Not from the sun. Hmmm...Wonder what else we've been conditioned to believe?

It's time to let go that fear.  Are you with me?

Sungazing

I was first introduced to Sun gazing by my sister during the holidays.  I didn't think much of it until I had lunch with her in March.  Her energy was much different than I had ever experienced it.  She has always been a bit timid and has struggled with her health all her life.  She seemed unafraid, grounded, and at peace.  I learned that she was feeling the effects of sun gazing.  She referred me to a website called solarhealingcenter.com/process/.

I printed an article that explains the process and benefits of sun gazing.  The process consists of simply gazing at the sun (like you would watch a TV screen) for 10 seconds during the safe hour after sunrise and before sunset.  Each day 10 seconds is added until you have reached 44 minutes at the end of approximately 9 months. This recharges the brain HRM refers to as a "brainutor", because the brain is just like a computer. Then you must walk relaxed and barefoot on bare earth for 45 minutes for 6 days, (preferably with the sun falling on you), which helps your body hold the charge.  This also activates the pineal gland. See the article for amazing facts about the pineal gland.

Some of the benefits listed in the article are:
0-3 mos. self confidence, no worries, fearless, mental balance, compassion. peace  
3-6 mos. when you have reached 30 minutes of gazing, physical diseases start to disappear, photosynthesis works to transform the sun's energy to usable energy for all organs of the body
6-9 mos. hunger starts going down palpably since all food is an indirect source of the sun's energy.  After nine months, hunger, and cravings go away entirely.

I learned even more by listening to some of HRM's youtube videos that were not included in the article.  I learned that when you sungaze, it is best if you are barefoot on bare earth, with knees slightly bent, and back straight.  You must not be afraid of the sun, but LOVE it.

What I noticed right away for me was an increase in my energy levels.  I especially notice the difference when I'm fasting.  I don't get so drained in energy.  The sun is feeding me. YESS!!

More Possible Opportunities

Some other opportunities for growth that might show up:

Belonging to a group or social enjoyment-In the past, food has been used as a way to connect with people.  I may feel  pressure from others to join them in social eating (more likely, my need to be part of a social event).  With my loving family, I think the only pressure would come from me wanting or needing to belong.  They are supportive and respectful of my choices. 

Most social events do center around food.  Have you ever wondered about that?  Hmmm? Do we use food as a distraction to cover up how uncomfortable we are with ourselves around others?  Being present with ourselves is challenging enough, but being present with  others requires a whole new level of consciousness.  

Old habits-Sometimes I'll pass by some food sitting on the counter and pop it in my mount unconsciously.  Sometimes when I'm putting away leftovers, I'll eat the spoonful that won't fit in the container even when I'm full.  Can any of you relate to that?

Emotional eating-As in other co-dependent behaviors, I get to look at what I am not wanting to feel emotionally and embrace it with Love, through the middle path.  The middle path being to allow, with no judgement, no attachment, no aversion.

I may experience grieving, but I don't see inedia as a loss or end as much as I see it as a new way of being, liberated from physical limitations, whether it be mental, physical or emotional.  I imagine all three will need to be addressed.

I may encounter criticism, skepticism, or shunning, but none of these are new.  Whenever I embark on something out of the ordinary, I am met with my own self doubts first and foremost, (expressed through others).  I get to practice moving through a whole new consciousness again.

Winter may present a whole different challenge.  JMW says true inediates can regulate their own body temperature.  Maybe I will have it figured out by then.   We'll see.

Even the fear of death may show up-I get to practice equanimity and open my mind  and core beliefs to new possibilities, knowing I am being supported because the time is right.

Possible Opportunities for Growth

I feel confident that the time is right.  My body, mind, and spirit are in  healthy balance.  However, I may have many opportunities show up to anchor in my commitment to inedia:

Craving for foods I love and don't often get-I hope my love for the new found energy I now have access to will assist me and replace the feeling of lack and heaviness I now have with food. I read on another breatharian site that the cravings for certain foods, is the body trying to come into physical balance because of emotional blocks. Hmm?

My family was up for the holiday.  Wouldn't you know it?  They brought my two all time favorite meals!  (pizza, and soup with garlic bread)  I was completely surprised how easy it was as I continued being conscious about what my body wanted.  I'm curious if the key here is that I have not put any pressure on myself to do this. Therefore, I know I am at choice in every moment.

My experience was, when I had the thought,"Whoa! This is my FAVORITE food!", I checked into my body to see if there was any emotional charge or craving.  I discovered that right now, I am more interested in realizing my desire than the few moments of pleasure with food.  Surprisingly, the aroma didn't even effect me. Through the Conscious Eating practice, I have  become so sensitive to the way my body FEELS, that now when I think about eating that kind of food, I realize it is not worth the heaviness my body endures for several hours. In addition, I have to expend lots of energy to process and get rid of the toxins I ingest. I'm really not interested in being an eating machine anymore.

New Ways

I feel passionate about the message of Jesus Christ being about bringing the duality (which leads to death) into the Oneness (Spirit).  Raising above the laws of nature, duality, opposites, into the One, the Law of Love, and eternity.

I know I cannot fail when I see it as a journey of learning and being with innocent curiosity.  I think of my little grand baby, Metallic's expression as I write this.  Huge innocent eyes, curious, open to learning and feedback, no hurry to get anywhere nor DO anything, nor "accomplish" any goals.  Simply BE where you are and ask for what you need.  BE patient, kind, and loving to myself.

When my awakening process became easeful is when I let go of expectations on myself and others and celebrated in gratitude every win, accepted and embraced my imperfectness and my perfection, but most of all when I let go of the stories around limitations, and chose to believe in and embrace my Divinity.  I am NOT out to PROVE anything to anyone.  Have fun with it!   PLAY with it!  This is about getting to know myself on a deeper level, allowing myself to unfold and reveal the Divine. Just BE ME.  Yeah ME!

Self Doubts

I feel ready and excited about this new adventure/experiment in pushing the limitations of the physical and opening myself to other possibilities.  I'm noticing a little anxiety about doing all the right things so I don't mess up.  Having doubts that I can pull it off, and that I will know the necessary steps.  The closer the time of my commitment comes, the more anxiety I feel.  My ego is screaming loudly. YOU CAN'T DO THIS! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?  YOU'RE NOT BIG ENOUGH NOR SMART ENOUGH TO PULL THIS OFF!

Then my friend Don Tolman mentioned steps to take that made me wonder if I have set my expectations too high.  I imagine this part of the process for me is to have old patterns show up that I have played out in the past.  In the past, I have made it hard and held myself rigidly in my "goal", putting a lot of pressure on myself, as I felt insignificant and small.

*I commit to having this be easeful, and having it be about listening to my body, developing my intuition, while being open to feedback and new possibilities. 


I am being reminded that it is NOT about the goal.  It is all about the journey!  Thank you, God for the reminder!  Rigidity is fear based.  This adventure wants to be about discovering possibilities, learning new ways of BEING .  It is simply a new level of learning.  The meaning of it all for me is to learn what I came to teach.  I came for the JOY of the rich experiences planet Earth has to offer.  Life IS beautiful!

My Relationship with Food

The message I keep getting strongest about the 2012 shift is, "Stay in the Pure Love of God where the sacred heart is.  Stay calm, no matter what is going on around you.  Know that what you are experiencing is a direct reflection of what's inside you.  Pay Attention!  Everything that is happening is according to God's plan.  Allow it to be so!  This shift is an individual affair.  There are no Masters to look up to.  You are your own Master.  We may be moving from a physical experience to an etherial experience." This is where I'm feeling drawn to most, and I seem to be very strongly supported by Spirit.

There are three levels of living in every aspect of our lives, including relationship. The first level is an unconscious co-dependence, the belief that one can't function without the other.  The second level is a recognition of accountability that leads to independence, where wholeness is achieved in the individual.     In the third level, having achieved wholeness, both parties co-exist with love and respect to one another both bringing a conscious wholeness to contribute to the relationship.

The dependence and addiction to food is like a co-dependent relationship and leads to death.  I have a hope that I'm ready to move to an independence from food, where I know I don't need it.  Since I now know there are other sources of energy available to me.  When my instinctual programming accepts my wholeness without food, then I may move into an interdependent relationship where I can enjoy it from time to time when it suits me, but my life doesn't depend on it.  I already know I can live for some length of time without food through my fasting experiences, but inedia is a whole different level of  consciousness and functions with no effort.  It becomes a preference.

The NEED for food is just another belief system I'm ready to let go of.  Inedia is a new consciousness I'm ready to embrace.  I expect to receive lots of insights and learnings around that this year.  I may or may not master it.  I may have many opportunities to anchor in a new belief system,  and I'm excited to explore it.

How Does It Work?

I have been researching other ways besides food that can nourish the body.  I find that sun gazing and energies from the earth are sources of energy.  In Lifestyle Without Food, several possible methods to make this transition are listed. 

Marinna shared about a scientific study about when something is done in the body consistently for forty days, the body actually creats new sister cells.  I want to look more into this.  My thought is that the 40 day water fast may be just the thing to facillitate my body in forming new DNA through the frequency of Love to push past the psychical and physical need for any food.  It's a matter of reprogramming the instincts.  I don't know exactly HOW it works, and I trust I will know more at the end of this experiment than I do now.  As I contemplate on this adventure, I am receiving a lot of support and insights.

In seeking understanding about ascending beyond the limitations of the flesh, I have discovered a simplicity that is profound.  Simply, Love ALL life.  That which you Love and give attention to increases.  If food really is a stand-in for love/God, then it makes sense that in loving my true nature, recognizing, owning, embracing the Divine withinin, food is not a necessary life support, since God is Love, Light, Life.  Love in its pure essence raises mankind above the laws of nature, because we are obeying the Law of Love which superceeds or rises above the law of nature.  LOVE holds together eternally. Love creates, consciousness creates.

Our first experience with food as emotional beings is suckling our mother's breast next to her heart and feeling her love.  It is natural to use food to attempt to create that feeling or to fill that NEED to be loved.  As we discover that we ARE Love, the need for food is absent.  The process then is letting go of a belief that no longer serves.  Most of the food we eat is toxic to the human body and the energy it takes to digest food actually depletes the body of life force.

Everything in Alignment

I turned again to study the creation process, as taught by the Beautiful Lady in ...Teachings of the Masters Far East Vol.1 p.28.  I have  been putting her instructions to memory again this year. I noticed that each time I have done this, I notice a huge shift in consciousness and begin manifesting whatever it is I am desiring to learn at the time.  This time my focus was on my body transforming from physical limitations bound to the laws of nature, to a limitless body of light.  I feel  very supported by all those who know me.

I feel supported by God as well.  It seems when I set a clear intention for this journey, all kinds of information came flooding in from many different sources.  I found several guided meditations done by a breatharian named Jasmuheen that are very helpful, and more insights from her experience.  I really enjoyed the meditations and came away feeling confident it will be easeful.

I have come to a place, finally, where I know there is nothing wrong with my body.  I'm in perfect health.  I do realize I am desiring to be more present with the food I put in my body and with my activities.  I am practicing being more present with myself with gentleness and compassion.   I realized most if not all emotional blocks are cleared.  My mind, body and spirit seem to be in alignment.

Few things can throw me off center any more.  I have faced death many times, mine and Gary's and have no issues that I'm aware of.  We have learned how to just BE and allow.  This experiement/adventure with food and the possibility of a transformation from a physical body to a body of light feels exciting.  I FEEL the Love within transforming my psyche to a Spiritual  body by letting go of physical limitations.  I see health, abundance, and prosperity all around me. The mystery awaits to be unfolded. Life is Joyous, Loving, and Beautiful.  It seems that everything is lining up for me to move forward.  Thank you, Thank you, God!

The Seed of Desire

My contemplation about the extended fast led me to a remembering of a desire that was planted in the soil of my soul several years ago while reading from The  Life and Teaching of the Masters of the Far East by Baird T. Spalding.(LTMFE)  As I pondered, I realized I have done a lot of work in the last 20 years to let go of any limiting beliefs, baggage and fears that have come between me and the Christ within. I have now experienced what "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God" means. I have come to a place of profound  and lasting peace, happiness, and abundant prosperity.  I felt an urge at the beginning of this year to increase my contemplation and introspection.  I realize now, it is really a strong inner urge to grow and expand my consciousness even more.  It's time now to get out of the next box of limiting beliefs.

I desire it in my deepest understanding - that of taking this physical body, as the inheritance talked about in scripture, the ultimate purpose of life on this planet.  Ever since I heard the message of Jesus overcoming death, and that he showed the way.  I have desired it.  I have never really been enamored by material things and events and doings, but I have always felt a deep connection to Mother earth and been curious about life, how it works, my purpose.  I think this is normal.

I realized at some point I became fascinated by the spiritual realm and all the beauty and possibilities to create by our very thought.  I became so dissatisfied with the nothingness of the material world, I thought death was the only way out of my misery.  Then I found Sons of God, Man Triumphant, and LTMFE (see above), and Autobiography of a Yogi.  In these stories as well as stories of John the Beloved and the Three Nephites of the Book of  Mormon, I found a possibility, sparked by Jesus' promise of salvation which I interpreted as no death. 

In my journey to Love myself, to know that I AM Love and all that implies, I began to form a strong desire to become like them - Ascended Masters!  I worked through many beliefs I had about myself and my body.  Finally, I understood the truth of an affirmation I learned from the Masters, "I AM now all I desire to BE."  As I allowed that to settle into my whole being, I became very content with who I AM.  Whether I died in this life or didn't was no longer an issue.  Immortality was not a goal I must attain, but a fact of my existence.  It would manifest on its own when I AM ready to know the Truth of It!  No rush! No pressure. Yeah!

Don't Want Do Want

In Autobiography of a Yogi, Yogananda tells about Babaji, the "Deathless Avatar".  At the end of March, as I sat in contemplation about an extended forty day fast I am planning for this summer, I felt him with me all morning. He was behind me, embracing me, holding the space for me to push through all doubts.  In meditation, I  planted freshly the seed of my desire in the soil of my soul, in the very heart of my knowing, for deathless transformation and to serve all the children of the Father. He reminded me that as the physical body blends with and becomes one with Spirit, it needs only the will to live to sustain it.  I realized on a deeper level that my relationship with food must change drastically.

The process of creating what I do want seems to start with creating what I don't want.  So, when I came back to meditate after lunch, I felt an all too familiar feeling of heaviness, bloat, and indigestion from eating twice as much  as I needed or even wanted.  It was delicious in my mouth but required most of my energy and attention for the rest of the afternoon.  This experience is strengthening my resolve to eat less,  especially cooked food and meat.

Since I couldn't meditate because of food, my thoughts went to the 40 day water fast.  I began formulating somewhat of a plan. I thought about going off meat first, then forty days before the first day of the fast, I will go on 100% raw  food, then eight days before the first day, do an apple juice detox designed by Blessed Herbs.  It seems I would have less toxins to deal with on the water fast.  I have done many small fasts in the past just to maintain good health.  I know a little bit what to expect in terms of symptoms, but on a small scale. This is when I decided to do a blog.  I wondered if a blog would support my commitment and perhaps be helpful to others who may be interested.

The timing feels good since I feel that this year is about introspection, learning to follow intuition, and preparing myself for "the shift".  I may do lemon water when it feels right, or tea, or even coffee.  It will be an experiment for sure.  I'm definitely seeing it as a great opportunity to sharpen my intuition.

Trusting My Good/God

I still love sharing things, but the energy behind it has changed. It's one of the many ways I get to connect with people and share the things that inspire or fascinate me.  It's all in the perception.

So, instead of wanting to fix the world  by spreading awareness of a society based on the highest-good-for-all, (I can see that as another project for me) I know  that society, is already in place in the hearts of those who resonate with that vision.  As in religion or anything else--I don't NEED to convert anyone to my perception!


Simply BE in my Sacred Heart--the Love I already AM.  Embrace fully my Divine nature.  BE the change I wish to see.  Know that this IS the vision of my fellow BEINGS of Love and Light.  BE willing to embrace and embody innocent perception.

I commit to creating more opportunities to contemplate/meditate, reflect, and practice being in my Sacred Heart.  See what I find/feel there, honor and respect my Divine Nature--The Love That I AM.

I feel that I am finally landing in the knowing of who I am--loving and appreciating ALL that I AM.  I feel confident and aware of my Source.  I am letting go the need to be heard and understood.  I am really enjoying the time and opportunity to contemplate, write and read more.  The quiet nurtures me.  Thank you God.

Nothing to Fix

I discovered in Women Food and God  how much of my life I have spent trying to fix something or someone I judge as broken, including and especially myself.  I hardly remember a time when I didn't think there was something wrong with me; - my body, my personality, my mind, my decisions, my very existence.  I went the extra mile to make sure no one else discovered it.  As I think back on my life, I found a plethora of stories, events, and pain that presented plenty of proof there was something wrong with me that I needed to fix.

Just a year ago, during a massage, I began exploring some of the stories in my head that I was holding on to.  At the time, I was trying very hard to fix one of my children, and I still had some concern about a heart condition I had been experiencing.  I became aware that my unfinished projects were keeping me interested in staying on the planet.  If I ran out of meaningful projects, what would be the purpose of staying?  I also realized I had created the heart condition as a back door out if I didn't want to stay.

AH-HA! I realized when I NEED a purpose, I'm still coming from a place of lack, of needing to be valued.  It's amazing how subtle error thoughts can be. Tricky little beggars. Here's a trick. When I let go the need to fix my children or my body,  I moved on to "righting" the whole world.  I then took up the crusade of the Highest-Good-for-All project, striving to get the word out. I finally realized  a couple of months ago that even that is a distraction to knowing who I AM. 


I just LOVE inner work!  Isn't life beautiful how it just keeps unfolding, letting another layer show. Each layer reveals more beauty more light, more Love. Yummm!  Women Food and God helped me see how I can use food as one of the many tools for inner work.

Pay Attention

"To discover what you really believe, pay attention to the way you act-and to what you do when things don't go the way you think they should.  Pay attention to what you value.  Pay attention to how, and on what you spend your time, your money.  Pay attention to the way you EAT." --Geneen Roth in Women Food and God

I made a commitment to paying close attention to what I eat without judgement, and really BEING present with the food as I'm eating.  Would you believe it?  An incredible book showed up as I was searching on the net for support in my experiment! It's called Life Style Without Food by Joachim M Werdin.  It's a free download on  http://inedia.info/.

WOW! Thank you, God! I feel freakin' excited about this book and the way JMW gently takes you through every possibility of inedia (non-eating)!  It gives me a feeling that this process could be very easeful.
 
On the chapter called "Conscious Eating", he takes you through seven practices of very detailed CE and explains the benefits.  One of the main concepts in the CE process is to FEEL EVERYTHING. No thinking. No judgements. No stories.  Just ALLOW the feelings to rise and BE PRESENT with them.  Conscious Eating gives your body exactly what it needs (Real Body Needs) in the right quantity and at the right time." p.104 LSWF

Just in reading the book, I've noticed myself shifting to a whole new level of awareness around eating.  I haven't even started practicing  the steps of Conscious Eating yet. Thank you, JMW.