Self Compassion

At the end of 2013, when I was experiencing so much pain, I knew the antidote was self Love.  I have practiced various methods of emotional clearing and I knew I had just gone deeper. I had discovered a deep seated anger and resentment toward my little two year old self and needed to forgive her.  

It's easy to say, "Love and forgive yourself", but how does that feel?   I couldn't feel anything.  Again, the question, "How do I love myself?"  The next day I received in the mail a book by Marshall B. Rosenberg called Nonviolent Communication.  He has a whole chapter called "Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves". How timely is that?

The main message in this chapter is connecting and answering your needs in the moment.  "We are compassionate with ourselves when we are able to embrace all parts of ourselves and recognize the NEEDS and values expressed by each part."  "Self-forgiveness: connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action that we now regret." I could now forgive my little two year old with the understanding that she was answering my needs in that moment.  She needed the hug of approval so she could breathe again and feel loved.  (Check out my other blog, Pearls to Receiving Bliss "The Spanking", for the whole story.) 

One thing I know for sure.  You can only have love, forgiveness, and compassion for others to the degree that you have established it for yourself.  I had formed such a terrible habit of self abuse and wasn't aware of the root cause.  It kept showing up like a hard wired instinctual reaction.  I couldn't seem to get a grip on it.  This chapter on self compassion was so effective because it was about measurable actions I could take and practice, to assist me in breaking my habit.  

One of the things from his book that really gave me a clear picture for the antidote, "Shame is a form of self-hatred, and actions taken in reaction to shame are not free and joyful acts." ~ It seems the word should is a violent word with massive power to create shame and guilt.

The picture forming in my mind is the "should" and "have to" words are like handcuffs on a slave, whether they come from inside us or outside.  As human beings on a planet of Free will, we are not meant to be slaves to any form of authority.  So when we give in to the demands of "should", "ought to", or "have to", we dehumanize ourselves.  We keep ourselves in a mental prison.  The irony, of course, is that we have the key.  It's called Self Love.

Innocence is defined as a state of childlikeness; being free from expectations, attachments, beliefs, guile, and judgement.   Innocence is where we find our essence.  I confess, as a parent, I stole my children's innocence by "shoulding" all over them.  I taught them well how to do it to themselves, just like my parents unwittingly taught me.  I now have the opportunity to reteach myself and model self compassion for them.  

I now know that any action I take gets to come from the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation.  I realize, as I do this, I let go of the codependent tendencies in our relationships.  The attachments and expectations of the "shoulds".