Along with the pearls of learning, awareness, insights, emotional healing, weight loss, and the opportunity to let go of judgements that I have gained with this experience; I now get to face some possibilities I wanted to think would never apply to me.
I believed if I had a positive attitude with specific affirmations, listened to my body, and destressed my life, my heart would stay strong and healthy, and I would never have to face the debilitating effects common to people who live with atrial fibrillation. I really felt I was living that life of perfect health and expressed gratitude every day for the level of health I enjoyed.
When I made the descision to do a 40 day water fast, I didn't think about the possibility of it putting so much stress on my heart. I had experienced it being sensitive to eating a heavy meal, or any significant change in dietary habits. I just felt so good, I didn't anticipate the impact the fast would have on my heart.
I realize now, that the fast was a sort of stress test, which manifests symptoms that would very likely show up anyway as time goes on. I didn't think I was in denial of my heart condition, I just thought I could beat the odds if I did all the "right" things. Mind over matter, right?
I'm feeling kinda low physically and emotionally. I know a Vapassana attitude would be very helpful right now. BE WITH WHAT IS. No judgement, no aversion, no attachment to what I want.
What I'm grateful for tonight, is that in my search for answers, I've discovered a new breakthrough for people with A-fib, that I feel excited to look into. I've surrendered to the medications for now, and I would like to get back to a healthy heart--without A-fib. I see that possibility, and will be persuing it.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Eating Crow
"Eating Crow" is an old term used when you have had a lot to say about something, and it turns out you might be wrong in your judgement.
In the past, I've had a lot to say about allopathic medicine, Drs., & hospitals. I have been relentless at times trying to get my husband to wean off his prescription medications and go "all natural". I have tried the
medical route myself for a heart condtion I've had for over 12 years. Whenever I would try a prescription drug, my body would react in the opposite way than the drug was designed for, or I would experience the "side effects". I realized that my belief that the drug was BAD caused my body to reject its effects. I was OK with that. It made me "right". I was doing quite well, and taking good care of myself without medications or supplements for my heart.
One of my intentions for this experience was to let go of anything that is out of alignment with LOVE. That would certainly include judgements. I kept saying I was open to whatever needed to happen, but my daughter's wise feedback said I was resisting medical intervention on a subconscious level. I had to look at that and admit she was right. So, Tuesday, Aug. 16, when I came to a place where I felt I was drowning in my own body fluids, I was faced with all my judgements against the medical field.
I called my other daughter, who is a nurse, and asked her what she would recommend. She had been very respectful of my choices, and very nervous about my condition. She called a doctor about a prescription for a saline drip. We were still focused on the dehydration issue, thinking the edema was from that. The doctor wouldn't give an order until I had labs drawn so that he could see exactly what I needed.
Long story short, I found myself with an opportunity to not only completely surrender my judgements, but love and fully appreciate the doctor's expertise, and be grateful for the medication's ability to quickly pull me out of a life threatening crisis. I consciously seized the opportunity to fully embrace my situation and go to the hospital for a couple of days for treatment. I found myself loving and appreciating the whole experience.
The good news is the cardiologist who helped me is just the kind of doctor I asked for. He listens with an open mind, makes suggestions, and respects my choices. Life is full of surprises. That's what makes it so interesting and beautiful!
In the past, I've had a lot to say about allopathic medicine, Drs., & hospitals. I have been relentless at times trying to get my husband to wean off his prescription medications and go "all natural". I have tried the
medical route myself for a heart condtion I've had for over 12 years. Whenever I would try a prescription drug, my body would react in the opposite way than the drug was designed for, or I would experience the "side effects". I realized that my belief that the drug was BAD caused my body to reject its effects. I was OK with that. It made me "right". I was doing quite well, and taking good care of myself without medications or supplements for my heart.
One of my intentions for this experience was to let go of anything that is out of alignment with LOVE. That would certainly include judgements. I kept saying I was open to whatever needed to happen, but my daughter's wise feedback said I was resisting medical intervention on a subconscious level. I had to look at that and admit she was right. So, Tuesday, Aug. 16, when I came to a place where I felt I was drowning in my own body fluids, I was faced with all my judgements against the medical field.
I called my other daughter, who is a nurse, and asked her what she would recommend. She had been very respectful of my choices, and very nervous about my condition. She called a doctor about a prescription for a saline drip. We were still focused on the dehydration issue, thinking the edema was from that. The doctor wouldn't give an order until I had labs drawn so that he could see exactly what I needed.
Long story short, I found myself with an opportunity to not only completely surrender my judgements, but love and fully appreciate the doctor's expertise, and be grateful for the medication's ability to quickly pull me out of a life threatening crisis. I consciously seized the opportunity to fully embrace my situation and go to the hospital for a couple of days for treatment. I found myself loving and appreciating the whole experience.
The good news is the cardiologist who helped me is just the kind of doctor I asked for. He listens with an open mind, makes suggestions, and respects my choices. Life is full of surprises. That's what makes it so interesting and beautiful!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Pearls Along the Way
I have spent more time in my heart in the last two months than I have my whole lifetime before this. This Journey has been rich with pearls of insight, healing, awareness, FEELING, listening, surrendering, trusting, learning, sacred moments of unraveling on a core level of my subconscious mind, taking accountability, and letting go of anything not in alignment with LOVE.
Through the guidance of a wise shaman, I was shown an old destructive family pattern of subtle competitive triangulation that strangles sibling trust.
When my energies were ultra sensitive, I learned to take accountability for my participation in any relationship or person I avoided; see their innocence, recognize that all the judgements I had on them, were simply projections of judgements I had on myself. The pearl in this was that when I saw their innocence, I got to see my own innocence as well. The gift of the innocent child, ME, is precious beyond words. I was finally able to let go, on a subconscious level, the NEED to TRY to be good, TRY to ascend, or whatever "BE GOOD" looks like at the time. I understood it conceptually, and yet, continued to act as if I still needed to prove something. I now KNOW in my heart of hearts, I don't need to TRY anymore. I get to just live in my heart and experience BEING HUMAN.
There were an abundance of opportunities to surrender my monkey mind to the precious silence where PEACE stands firm in the face of fear. Fear wants to control and manage the situation. Peace knows God is in control; and the outcome will be for my highest good, when I LET GO of what I THINK the outcome should look like.
Now, this current opportunity to wear judgements I have had a lot to say about, that were not in alignment with LOVE. Read my next blog, Eating Crow, for details.
.
Through the guidance of a wise shaman, I was shown an old destructive family pattern of subtle competitive triangulation that strangles sibling trust.
When my energies were ultra sensitive, I learned to take accountability for my participation in any relationship or person I avoided; see their innocence, recognize that all the judgements I had on them, were simply projections of judgements I had on myself. The pearl in this was that when I saw their innocence, I got to see my own innocence as well. The gift of the innocent child, ME, is precious beyond words. I was finally able to let go, on a subconscious level, the NEED to TRY to be good, TRY to ascend, or whatever "BE GOOD" looks like at the time. I understood it conceptually, and yet, continued to act as if I still needed to prove something. I now KNOW in my heart of hearts, I don't need to TRY anymore. I get to just live in my heart and experience BEING HUMAN.
There were an abundance of opportunities to surrender my monkey mind to the precious silence where PEACE stands firm in the face of fear. Fear wants to control and manage the situation. Peace knows God is in control; and the outcome will be for my highest good, when I LET GO of what I THINK the outcome should look like.
Now, this current opportunity to wear judgements I have had a lot to say about, that were not in alignment with LOVE. Read my next blog, Eating Crow, for details.
.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Powerful Message of Moose
As I continue to rebuild, I am keenly aware of the loving support and precious gems I get to gather along the way.
I had a young male moose come hang out in my yard for a couple of days, when I was very low. I became curious about the message moose bring. It wasn't until Sunday, when a young female moose with twins came, that I had a chance to look into it. Her behavior was unusual for a mother with young ones. She seemed extremely calm lying in the shade with her little ones. She stayed half the day, even though I had visitors.
I was intrigued, so I looked up moose in my Animal-Speak by Ted Andrews (a reference to indigenous traditions and beliefs about the language of animals and the messages they bring.) It couldn't have fit more perfectly with what I was experiencing! I surely felt Mother Nature's loving support, and appreciate this witness that we are connected to all life, and when in our essence, we naturally serve one another.
Here are some tidbits that resonated with me: "The moose can teach the ability to move from the outer world to the inner. It can teach how to cross from life to death and back to stronger life. It teaches how to use the thin thread that separates life and death to one's advantage. ... There is a great maternal energy that has a primal strength to it. ...the individual should pay more attention to that inner voice... Learning to trust what they so often think is simply the imagination.... When moose comes into your life, the primal contact with the great feminine force and void of life is being awakened. It is an invitation to learn to explore new depths of awareness and sensitivity within yourself and within your environs."
As I lay there letting in her message, I felt an incredible bond with her, and gratitude for her willingness to bring such a powerful message.
I had a young male moose come hang out in my yard for a couple of days, when I was very low. I became curious about the message moose bring. It wasn't until Sunday, when a young female moose with twins came, that I had a chance to look into it. Her behavior was unusual for a mother with young ones. She seemed extremely calm lying in the shade with her little ones. She stayed half the day, even though I had visitors.
I was intrigued, so I looked up moose in my Animal-Speak by Ted Andrews (a reference to indigenous traditions and beliefs about the language of animals and the messages they bring.) It couldn't have fit more perfectly with what I was experiencing! I surely felt Mother Nature's loving support, and appreciate this witness that we are connected to all life, and when in our essence, we naturally serve one another.
Here are some tidbits that resonated with me: "The moose can teach the ability to move from the outer world to the inner. It can teach how to cross from life to death and back to stronger life. It teaches how to use the thin thread that separates life and death to one's advantage. ... There is a great maternal energy that has a primal strength to it. ...the individual should pay more attention to that inner voice... Learning to trust what they so often think is simply the imagination.... When moose comes into your life, the primal contact with the great feminine force and void of life is being awakened. It is an invitation to learn to explore new depths of awareness and sensitivity within yourself and within your environs."
As I lay there letting in her message, I felt an incredible bond with her, and gratitude for her willingness to bring such a powerful message.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Food for Thought
As I feel my way back through this experiment with food and fasting, I recognize many precious truths discovered through observation and new insight.
I wanted to learn more about living in the moment, in the presence of God. I now know I had a rare opportunity to go there, and because I was in my home with my family, I became distracted by habitual doings, mindless things.
I had been warned to go away from my home, or send everyone away. I decided to stay, because I felt the setting is so perfect. I didn't send family away because I knew they would respect my process and support me as best they could. I was the one who stepped out of integrity by taking care of others and putting expectations on myself to keep things running. The voice in my head says, "Can't ask someone else to do my job when I feel well enough to do it myself." I imagine most of you can relate to that.
It robbed me of the precious subtle energies, my body needed to do what I was asking it to do. The imbalance that choice created scattered and distracted my focus from being with my process, to doing. I now know this is a pattern of behavior familiar to me, and it is so subtle. I hadn't seen it because I always had reserve energy.
I recognize where my body, mind, and Spirit were in complete alignment with my purpose. Where I see the line was crossed, is where I made unconscious choices early in the water fast that did not support my purpose. I spent the energy my body needed to do what I was asking it to do, and used it for things that were not in alignment. I recognize this as a pattern of behavior that doesn't serve me on a daily basis.
I have been shown that we are all Beings of Love and Light, here to give and receive Love. Love is who we are. Anything out of alignment with that is not real and doesn't serve essence. Giving and receiving is the yin and yang that keeps us in balance in this human experience. It comes as natural as breathing when we are balanced and in integrity with our essence, or Being. There is no effort involved.
What I learned in this experience is that with any deep cleansing of the body, the toxic energy of fear and other emotions we have not let go of will surface as much as any other toxin. Fear is the absence of love. They cannot co-exist. This is the very primal base of every choice we make in this realm of "free will". It isn't a right or wrong choice, simply a choice in our experiment in a world of dense matter.
My experience with the energy of fear in this experiment, is that it is a powerful consuming energy. Without any reserves, the energy of fear threw me very quickly into survival mode, out of touch with the power of Love available to me to carry out what I was asking my body to do. It temporarily paralyzed me.
I had spent valuable Life Force energy doing trivial busyness and distractions instead of staying conscious about loving. nurturing, appreciating and honoring this most sacred and delicate process of the human body.
I wonder how many thousands of choices we make like this every day? Where we spend energy doing things not in alignment with the heart, but based on the fear of rejection, or not good enough, or approval of others, holding up an image, and many other ego-fear based stories in our head.
I wonder if the myriad methods of mind control used in every type of media targeting these fears, is what has conditioned us to be such voracious, mindless consumers of Mother Earth's resources? What do we give back to her to replenish what we consume? Toxic trash? Who does it really benefit?
I have always felt a deep connection with Mother Earth. Our bodies are built in her likeness. This experience has revealed to me the exquisite pain she feels when her children abuse their bodies and each other. I feel an overwhelming sadness at the disconnect from her and our own natural rhythms, that we have allowed ourselves to be caught up in, at an enormous cost to her and to ourselves.
I feel as though she is going through a similar cleansing, healing crises as I am experiencing. She knows how to find that balance, and will do what it takes. I wonder if the best way we can support her, would be to make these changes within our very selves? I wonder if this is the only way WE will survive the changes occuring so rapidly in our Mother, in her process of finding that balance?
I wonder how the valuable lessons I learned about loving. nurturing, appreciating and honoring my body and her inner wisdom might be applied to supporting MOTHER EARTH in Her cleansing process?
I will be doing a great deal of resting and may not post on this blog for a few days. I will be back. Thank you for listening with an open mind and an open heart. I welcome your thoughts and insights.
I wanted to learn more about living in the moment, in the presence of God. I now know I had a rare opportunity to go there, and because I was in my home with my family, I became distracted by habitual doings, mindless things.
I had been warned to go away from my home, or send everyone away. I decided to stay, because I felt the setting is so perfect. I didn't send family away because I knew they would respect my process and support me as best they could. I was the one who stepped out of integrity by taking care of others and putting expectations on myself to keep things running. The voice in my head says, "Can't ask someone else to do my job when I feel well enough to do it myself." I imagine most of you can relate to that.
It robbed me of the precious subtle energies, my body needed to do what I was asking it to do. The imbalance that choice created scattered and distracted my focus from being with my process, to doing. I now know this is a pattern of behavior familiar to me, and it is so subtle. I hadn't seen it because I always had reserve energy.
I recognize where my body, mind, and Spirit were in complete alignment with my purpose. Where I see the line was crossed, is where I made unconscious choices early in the water fast that did not support my purpose. I spent the energy my body needed to do what I was asking it to do, and used it for things that were not in alignment. I recognize this as a pattern of behavior that doesn't serve me on a daily basis.
I have been shown that we are all Beings of Love and Light, here to give and receive Love. Love is who we are. Anything out of alignment with that is not real and doesn't serve essence. Giving and receiving is the yin and yang that keeps us in balance in this human experience. It comes as natural as breathing when we are balanced and in integrity with our essence, or Being. There is no effort involved.
What I learned in this experience is that with any deep cleansing of the body, the toxic energy of fear and other emotions we have not let go of will surface as much as any other toxin. Fear is the absence of love. They cannot co-exist. This is the very primal base of every choice we make in this realm of "free will". It isn't a right or wrong choice, simply a choice in our experiment in a world of dense matter.
My experience with the energy of fear in this experiment, is that it is a powerful consuming energy. Without any reserves, the energy of fear threw me very quickly into survival mode, out of touch with the power of Love available to me to carry out what I was asking my body to do. It temporarily paralyzed me.
I had spent valuable Life Force energy doing trivial busyness and distractions instead of staying conscious about loving. nurturing, appreciating and honoring this most sacred and delicate process of the human body.
I wonder how many thousands of choices we make like this every day? Where we spend energy doing things not in alignment with the heart, but based on the fear of rejection, or not good enough, or approval of others, holding up an image, and many other ego-fear based stories in our head.
I wonder if the myriad methods of mind control used in every type of media targeting these fears, is what has conditioned us to be such voracious, mindless consumers of Mother Earth's resources? What do we give back to her to replenish what we consume? Toxic trash? Who does it really benefit?
I have always felt a deep connection with Mother Earth. Our bodies are built in her likeness. This experience has revealed to me the exquisite pain she feels when her children abuse their bodies and each other. I feel an overwhelming sadness at the disconnect from her and our own natural rhythms, that we have allowed ourselves to be caught up in, at an enormous cost to her and to ourselves.
I feel as though she is going through a similar cleansing, healing crises as I am experiencing. She knows how to find that balance, and will do what it takes. I wonder if the best way we can support her, would be to make these changes within our very selves? I wonder if this is the only way WE will survive the changes occuring so rapidly in our Mother, in her process of finding that balance?
I wonder how the valuable lessons I learned about loving. nurturing, appreciating and honoring my body and her inner wisdom might be applied to supporting MOTHER EARTH in Her cleansing process?
I will be doing a great deal of resting and may not post on this blog for a few days. I will be back. Thank you for listening with an open mind and an open heart. I welcome your thoughts and insights.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Are You Listening?
I continue to feel stronger each day, as the healing process progresses. I am gratefully receiving support from people, seen and unseen, who have experience in the areas I need support.
I had some people call to come for a visit. My intuition and body said NO, but I automatically bypassed that, (an old habit). I didn't listen to the wisdom of my heart, nor the request for support from my body. I set myself aside for them. A common choice, right? I paid the price, and got a HUGE learning. The energy they brought with them was well meaning, and fear based. I recognized a pattern I have done throughout my life about rescuing people whom I judge have made a bad choice. I got a taste of my own medicine. As sensitive as I am right now, it was a dose I'll never forget.
In a place where my energies are so low, I've been forced to be very quiet, even quieting my thoughts. What a gift! I continue to be amazed at the insights and learnings that come in when I get to go to that level of stillness. I'm learning about the thousands of choices we make every day. When they are fear based, or out of alignment with our essence and purpose here on this planet, they rob us in ways we are unaware. Our bodies are not designed to age, break down, and wear out. We do that by the choices we make. I will share more about that later.
I have already received every intention I asked for, for this experiment, and continue to receive in abundance more than I ever anticipated. Thank you, Thank you, God!
I had some people call to come for a visit. My intuition and body said NO, but I automatically bypassed that, (an old habit). I didn't listen to the wisdom of my heart, nor the request for support from my body. I set myself aside for them. A common choice, right? I paid the price, and got a HUGE learning. The energy they brought with them was well meaning, and fear based. I recognized a pattern I have done throughout my life about rescuing people whom I judge have made a bad choice. I got a taste of my own medicine. As sensitive as I am right now, it was a dose I'll never forget.
In a place where my energies are so low, I've been forced to be very quiet, even quieting my thoughts. What a gift! I continue to be amazed at the insights and learnings that come in when I get to go to that level of stillness. I'm learning about the thousands of choices we make every day. When they are fear based, or out of alignment with our essence and purpose here on this planet, they rob us in ways we are unaware. Our bodies are not designed to age, break down, and wear out. We do that by the choices we make. I will share more about that later.
I have already received every intention I asked for, for this experiment, and continue to receive in abundance more than I ever anticipated. Thank you, Thank you, God!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Ups and Downs
Wow! What a ride! This week has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. I'm still experiencing healing crises, which I recognize as process of deep cleansing. My energy levels plummet easily, and I felt strongly to take three days of just being quiet, going inside, seeing and feeling the Light do its work, and allow the body what it needs to find balance. (Besides, sometimes my energy is so low, I can't push out the words anyway) This morning was like that until Don came by and did an adjustment. He seems to recognize just what needs to happen. It gave me renewed strength. Then Gary gave my lymphs a good massage and most of the pain went away.
I think the pain involved in the healing process has been the main source of energy drain. I got some good news today that I am right on target and will be back to myself in a few days to a week. Don indicated I am at the phase of getting ready for that birth. That really resonated with me, and I feel grateful. As I prepared for this fast months ago, I kept seeing triple 5's. I looked up what that means in numerology. It means resurrection, which I interpret as rebirth.
It's been amazing to me that many of the helpful suggestions that came from others, I was intuitively doing already. This is the place where I feel this experiment is a HUGE success. THIS was my main intention to begin with.
Last night, I had a breakthrough in some blockages I was experiencing. I had a strong ego attachment to one of my children, I hadn't recognized. I am committed to letting go of all ego centered structure. Even the roles of Mother and children. It seems, I had to get pretty low to recognize this one. Ego identity can be so subtle. I found myself in a potentially dangerous situation in the form of an aneurysm in the carotid artery. I knew what to do. I had gone through this with another of my children a year ago. As soon as I got complete, the artery began to heal. It's amazing to me what has shown up to heal, and the many other gifts of learning I've encountered along the way.
Tonight, I feel my strength coming back. I anticipate things to continue to improve from here. Thanks to everyone's love and prayers. I FEEL so HAPPY!
I think the pain involved in the healing process has been the main source of energy drain. I got some good news today that I am right on target and will be back to myself in a few days to a week. Don indicated I am at the phase of getting ready for that birth. That really resonated with me, and I feel grateful. As I prepared for this fast months ago, I kept seeing triple 5's. I looked up what that means in numerology. It means resurrection, which I interpret as rebirth.
It's been amazing to me that many of the helpful suggestions that came from others, I was intuitively doing already. This is the place where I feel this experiment is a HUGE success. THIS was my main intention to begin with.
Last night, I had a breakthrough in some blockages I was experiencing. I had a strong ego attachment to one of my children, I hadn't recognized. I am committed to letting go of all ego centered structure. Even the roles of Mother and children. It seems, I had to get pretty low to recognize this one. Ego identity can be so subtle. I found myself in a potentially dangerous situation in the form of an aneurysm in the carotid artery. I knew what to do. I had gone through this with another of my children a year ago. As soon as I got complete, the artery began to heal. It's amazing to me what has shown up to heal, and the many other gifts of learning I've encountered along the way.
Tonight, I feel my strength coming back. I anticipate things to continue to improve from here. Thanks to everyone's love and prayers. I FEEL so HAPPY!
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