The Fear Monster

I had no idea I had so much FEAR around succeeding!  It hit me hard tonight and I had a melt down.  I realize I have set myself up for failure by creating a lot of pressure from myself (through my readers) to finish this to the end, and it is bringing up my deepest, darkest self doubt.  I am now exposing my most authentic raw self in this moment.  I need to let go of the idea that I MUST do this.  It is making me miserable, and I'm next to giving up. 

This is bringing up a core mistrust of my body created by an incident with my Dad when I was 3yrs. old.  I held myself so rigid so as to obey him, so he would stop spanking me.  I forced the tears down and the noise from my throat, but my body betrayed me and reacted to all I was trying to hold back.  It wasn't good enough.  I couldn't pull it off.  I couldn't trust my body to do what I wanted it to.

I feel this is coming up to be healed.  I don't feel strong enough mentally right now.  Right now my self doubt is as strong as my belief.  I would rather LOVE myself and be gentle in this moment than worry about succeeding.  I can always try it again another time when I don't feel under any pressure.  I don't know how else to let it go other than to just stop, or do some juice for a few days.  I'll sleep on it.  We'll see.

So, I don't know if I will continue the fast.  I may need to stop it now and know that I have already succeeded in as far as I have come.  I'm just noticing the fear is over riding my intuition.   I'm having difficulty navigating until I can let go of this anxiety.